I want to finish all things that need finishing. Stop new things from flooding in. I want to be worthy of a toddlers worship. To not curse when I trip over his stuff, just as he doesnt when tripping over mine. I want to be accepting, helpless and surrendery, without any expectation. I want to be strong and capable and forceful. I want to not want to.
I want to walk in and walk out of rooms unchanged. I want to pad around dry in a wetsuit. I want to accept the many imperfections of my size, age, personality. I want whats good for me and whats good for the world, to be the same thing. I want to stop worrying about rivers and mountains of garbage engulfing the world.
I want to have a nice cozy fever with tea and a good book. I want to sweep all my worries into the big closet outside, and let spiders feed on them. I want a rulebook on what I should get done in the next 5 years. I dont want a rulebook on ditto. I want to organize all my pictures and memories in chronological order. I want to prove beyond all doubt that I exist. I want to also eat the bottom half of a sesame bagel.
I want to get better at being a soul on a mission. I want to let my animal be in charge sometimes. To switch off the torch, toss the map with the escape route, and just feel my way around. I want to buy a bookshelf, and fill it with all the books ive already read. I want to do the right thing, the right way, at the right time, instead of clumping around noisily where angels fear to tread.