To the Gods of Spam

I was doing a cleaning up of my gmail account after an eon today and was suddenly struck by the number of spammers courting me. I’m not sure where they got hold of me from, but they are all unanimously certain I’m a guy. My biggest gripe is I don’t get any Wonderbra and Quick Slim spam, I get Viagra! WHY :(? I ask you…

The most prolific spammers are of course, the obscure copulators. "Look no further, sexual growth awaits you here" "Wanna be strong at bed?" "Did you know the big bang theory began with…" (I was too afraid to find out WHAT :() …

There are even philosophers among them - "Make your thing as big as life - theories of history, and in time, theories about finance, Soros anchoredfrom life than success in the investment world. Since he was no hedonist" … The secret of life is in here somewhere, dammit!! I am sure of it!

One spammer made me a covert offer about jazzing up my Anaconda… And I thought I had heard it all :D! I have an Anaconda someplace? Is it alive? Is it contagious? Can it play chess? These are some questions that spring to mind immediately

My involuntary conversion from a female of questionable veracity/delicacy to a male of questionable taste started due to a traumatic event in my childhood -circa 1985 – My parents (or possibly relatives) gave me a doll wearing blue pant shirt. This affixed the male stereotype in my mind and I was irreversibly scarred by it (The doll also had white skin and golden hair but somehow I never thought I was Caucasian. How DOES that work?)

Now with all these generous offers, I have been completely genderbrainwashed. Thank you Spam Lord, for showing me the light! Today, in the words of the great Napoleon, N am man.

Other popular spam categories include the self help enthusiast “Start a sadistic dictatorship for just $19.95! One concentration camp absolutely FREE. Join TODAY to change the world” “Are you depressed? Does your life go nowhere? Specially for you, here are the 10 most original ways to commit suicide for a rock-bottom price of $.01/solution. Sample videos and Obituaries included with loads of extras! Come today and turn your life around!”

Then there is the test your blah peddlars who help you get in touch with your inner soul… "Are you getting enough styrofoam in your noodles?" "Is your mustache itchy on weekends?" "What does your poop consistency say about your personality?"

My favorite type of spammer is the one who pretends to send me an email from my own mailbox. That's rather neat really, if you ask me. The enticement of reading my own poop is quite irresistible :). I would like to shake the hand of the guy who thought this one up. Pardon the stereotyping, but I will bet my toothbrush (hardly used) that the majority spammers are guys.

Anyway, I wondered what they are like, these spammers. I am going to bring out a whole series on Planet Spam, unless ssomebody sstops mee!

Which country do you think they may come from mostly (Dilbert urges me to suggest Albania) How much are they paid for their creative abilities? Do they also have a day job or is spamming fun as well as lucrative? Is spamming outsourced too? What would a spammers resume look like? Does spamming have a cult following? What about wives or girlfriends? Do they dare tell them what they do for a living? Are spammers cool? Or hot? Or Klingon?

There is one thing I love about spamming though. It's the ideal subterfuge. Today, in the information revolution, if I had to disguise some sensitive data, I shouldn't lock it up with an MD5 or SHA or whatever latest encryption goes on, I should bury it as an attachment in an email with title Viagra and a body with links to 5 helpful sites that have links to 5 other helpful sites that each have links to 5 other helpful sites…No one would touch that attachment with a ten foot barge pole (Or an Anaconda :) … You get the idea… Flood the ocean… Anyone after information would give up wading through all the data in all the emails and go watch some TV… I know I have…