Monday, May 02, 2016

carbon dating of hollywood heroines

im not sure whats up with the movie industry, but past year or so, I have become extremely reluctant to invest money to go and watch a movie. the oddest sort of non-stories are becoming 3 hour sagas. even the dick flicks are all getting overrun with crazy robot dramas.

the human interest stories are acquiring a certain satyajit ray-e quality - she walks into the room. thinks for a moment, then closes the door. screeeee. she turns around and leans on the door for a few minutes. she is upset. she feels her feelings. the fishtank in right changes color. a cellphone beeps. she slowly peels herself off the door and walks in a dejected sort of way to bathroom. opens the door. screeeee. she walks to the washbasin. opens tap. wastes some water as she stares at herself in mirror. splashes water on her face. stares some more. turns and pulls a bright orange towel off the rack. its mega hd so we can see all individual towel molecules. wipes her face in some detail. wipes her neck. places towel back. walks meditatively out of bathroom. screeeee.

and the darwin award nominees, my top 5 favorites

5. the gone girl chick - ok everyone who claims to have never entertained kind euthanasia for their loving spouse is lying. this chick kills random exes for her loving spouse, sure, of course, it could happen

4. the da vinci code chick - there is a severely biblical scene where tom hanks is carefully propelling her across a busy intersection. the lame leading the blind

3. the hunger games chick - barbie doll in chain mail who spends a lot of time in costume change, and uses bow and arrow in a melee battle

2. the fifty shades chick - who can never get anything done ever cause shes just tied up all the time. no no REALLY. clearly the first runner up

1. the vampire saga chick - sorry babe, you won't do, you're just too, i dont know, whats the word, too HUMAN. screeeee.

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