Saturday, February 11, 2006

Epics

The Male Epic – Abridged
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He was the chosen one (Chosen to save the world dammit, not for boy scouts). Everyone knew except him. He is always confused and in denial. He was irresistible to women. Two to three wham-bam-thankyou-ma’am scenarios with transparent attempts at making them sound meaningful.

Lots of bad guys to kill (Hero still confused, by the way, about his chosen status). Supervillain.

Supervillain wins every battle except the last. Gorgeous amazon women with huge assets chasing him. Detailed description of assets.

Hero acquiring an impressive list of bruises, fractures and intestine drippy complaints and carrying on heedless (I wish one of them would just fart a lot or get loose motion)

All female characters helpless, only interested in stripping and canoodling and acting tough (Of course, the hero is always there to do the real tough stuff)

Hero’s angst dealt with in detail even while massacring extras and banging random women.

Final Boss battle occupying two chapters with plenty of blood and gore (deeply regretted by the hero, by the way, all he wanted was peace and love to all mankind). No heroines here except for the purposes of

1. Getting captured and being saved
2. Getting involved in the beginning of the battle, being knocked unconscious and presumed dead, to supply hero with added angst at critical moments.
3. Staying supportive at safe distances and cheerleading

Hero killed boss (or made him, disappear/disperse/fall into void, in which case Entrez Sequel). World safe.

The Female Epic – Abridged
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Troubled heroine. Gorgeous and ultra brainy although utterly unaware of it. Unable to understand why all males flock around her.

Either big assets (again, completely unaware of herself, I cannot stress this enough) or perfect sized assets along with bashing of women with big assets.

Has had one or possibly two past encounters that left her shattered.
Choose
1. Husband cheated (or if husband is hero, she misunderstood his pure saintly
motives for being naked in bed with another woman)
2. Lover thought her inadequate
3. Failed marriage entirely due to cruel husband (or if husband is hero, faults on
both sides)

Hero TDH. Older, sophisticated, very rich. VERY VERY RICH. RICH. RICH. RICH. RICH. RICH. RICH.

Well built without being too beefy. Two pages to dwell on perfect build. Full thick wavy hair. NOT balding, even if fifty. Arrogant and masterful and ANNOYS the heroine no end, but some corner of her always submits.

Hero has had lot more women than heroine. Very experienced and awesome in bed and sought after by all women. Still falls inexplicably for the heroine.

Both deny it strenuously even while canoodling at every chance.

Detailed love scenes lasting pages with no emotion missed in the entire English language. Perfect fulfillment later, best they ever had. Always.

Trouble in paradise over ridiculously stupid reason (For eg. Burnt breakfast) displayed in detail through a microscope to look like Godzilla.

Chapters of how unhappy both are without each other growing thinner/paler/dark circles/ clothes become loose/ haunted look in eyes/ intense suffering/ lots of people commenting on unhappiness.

Reunite after finally realizing they cannot live without each other. Get married, red haze of bliss surrounds them. Sunset. Happily ever after.

2 comments:

  1. That was hilarious. Am I the only reading this stuff??

    You need to stop reading/watching action/romance epics. Try sadism... If that doesnt work you can always try masochism??

    ReplyDelete
  2. sadism works...i have a husband now :D

    ReplyDelete