Monday, June 23, 2008


I believe that the spiritual and instinctive in each of us is unleashed when we undergo something life altering. As someone said, anything that doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, I believe in karma, that the good or bad you do in one lifetime, accumulates and passes on in your genes to future generations.

Last week, I had a near death experience. Nothing dramatic happened, I wasn't in any danger, just, someone walked on my grave. No other way to say it. The feeling lasted for a good 10 minutes. In the beginning I was terrified. Of how painful death might be and of all the things I still had to do in life and how I might never get a chance to do them.

Then after the initial panic attack subsided, I started itemising my future plans and I realized there is not one single thing that I would put under "must do" with my life. There were lots of "good-to-haves", but on the whole the world would get along just fine without me. It was an incredibly liberating realization. I was never so sure of myself, never so sure I was ready for death.

Well obviously, the bad news is I lived. The good news is my life flashed before my eyes. Its not a feeling I have ever had before, and quite frankly, I enjoyed it. Frozen frames of happy remembrance and blurring sadnesses.

I am an original, positive and life affirming person. I believe in people, even when they fail to believe in me, I don't hate anyone, I don't lie or cheat, I give credit where its due, I go miles out of my way to be helpful and nice, I try to never hurt anyone innocent, I also get angry very quickly, I am monogamous by conviction, I have zero tolerance for emotional blackmail, injustice and foolishness, I have an ego the size of a small planet, I can sink to any level my opponent sinks just to win a battle...

But on the whole, I am a good person. I am as good as it gets. Oh yeah baby, I said it! I am on the side of the angels, although, as Alistair MacLean said, I don't see the angels being too thrilled about it. I have no use for false modesty or oblique self-congratulation. I have no time for needy. I know who I am and its as simple as that.

Often in my past, I have chosen logic over instinct, and just as often, I have regretted it. But now slowly I am beginning to trust my instincts more often, if not blindly, and more importantly, I have stopped questioning them. With time, I have also stopped with explanations to everyone. My life is really nobody else's business, and from now on, it stays that way.

Right now I believe my slate is clean. I believe I have paid dearly for the sins of my ancestors. I haven't enjoyed it, but I have no gripe with the world or its citizens for what they owe me nor do I feel persecuted or "why me" or whatever. After all, it had to be somebody. Why not me? However as of this day, I am free. Today I am a fully grown adult, a female of the species, and I love it. From now on, I start writing out my own karma for future generations, if ever any. I intend any legacy I leave for the future to be either happy or non-existant.


  1. Awesome piece. I was going to say "I couldn't have put it better" - then thought again - I couldn't have written it as I never had that near death experience. But if it is so liberating, "I want to have what she's having!!!"

    Ref. "When Harry Met Sally": in the restaurant, when Meg Ryan is simulating an orgasm, another woman dining in the same restaurant told the waiter "I want to have what she's having"


  2. Somehow, each time you write something, it's uncannily close to what I'm going thru at that point of time.

    I've been killing myself over the same question - Should I trust instinct or logic? I've decided to trust my logic this time. But already, in my heart I know that I'm poised to make the biggest mistake of my life. I also have this stupid theory that this decision will wipe MY slate clean, if you know what I mean. Pay off old obligations and all that crap.

    But I sincerely I hope that a couple of years from now, I can say with conviction that I'm free! If not I'll die a little more inside.

    P.S. I hate you for this "Well obviously, the bad news is I lived." Meano!

    P.S.P.S. You're really ok, no?

    P.S.P.S.P.S. Sorry for the heavy duty crap. Just one of those days...

  3. ...yes. "Logic or Instinct" is always a question. But why should the two always oppose each other I wonder... it happens to me too, all the time. Why can't logic and instinct agree sometimes??

    I also start double guessing my instinct.. even though I know that's a loser from the start.

    It's a short life after all.. and I don't like to taking things, people and myself too seriously. But sometimes inspite of knowing all that, I find myself taking myself or someone, or some situation too seriously.

    Exhale! is just right. The mantra to remember at such times. The day before yesterday was one such "Exhale!" moment.

  4. @Madhu - Thanke babe :)!!!! U don wanna have what shes havin, trust me ... as metallica put it
    Careful what u wish
    you may regret it
    careful what u wish
    u just might get it :(

    Well, yknow I never thought of why logic and instinct are generally opposite... thats a damn interesting question!!

    could it be its because logic was identified to combat some of our more primitive obsolete instincts... That still doesn't explain why logic mostly refutes even our more evolved instincts... where do we get this damn logic from :(( .... Dont take life too serious darlin :( ... theres no upside to THAT....

    I too am only a learner to exhaling...I hope u exhaled just right ... Will call u!!!

  5. @Macadamia - Mackie, I wont say Im glad ur goin through the same thing :( ... I wish you luck and strength...

    I think you dont decide when to pay off your baggage, life does... Don't make any mistakes, you have a perfect right to be selfish, don't let anyone take that away from you!

    Love an Luck for everything :)!!!

  6. Love this one.

    Ground reality - everyone is dispensible - and that is a liberating info :)

    Go for the instincts - you might come across crazy or insane, but that is the only way to keep sanity by your side and be free :))

    that is me logically speaking ;)


  7. @PM - Thanks, your logic is instinctive and irrefutable therefore :D ... But I love it anyway, I agree, yeah!

  8. Going by your words and the life that you wrote flashed before your eyes, I think you will be missed more than you think you will be.

    Sorry to intrude.

  9. Thanks Jibi! Thats always wonderful to hear :) ...