Exhale

I believe that the spiritual and instinctive in each of us is unleashed when we undergo something life altering. As someone said, anything that doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, I believe in karma, that the good or bad you do in one lifetime, accumulates and passes on in your genes to future generations.

Last week, I had a near death experience. Nothing dramatic happened, I wasn't in any danger, just, someone walked on my grave. No other way to say it. The feeling lasted for a good 10 minutes. In the beginning I was terrified. Of how painful death might be and of all the things I still had to do in life and how I might never get a chance to do them.

Then after the initial panic attack subsided, I started itemising my future plans and I realized there is not one single thing that I would put under "must do" with my life. There were lots of "good-to-haves", but on the whole the world would get along just fine without me. It was an incredibly liberating realization. I was never so sure of myself, never so sure I was ready for death.

Well obviously, the bad news is I lived. The good news is my life flashed before my eyes. Its not a feeling I have ever had before, and quite frankly, I enjoyed it. Frozen frames of happy remembrance and blurring sadnesses.

I am an original, positive and life affirming person. I believe in people, even when they fail to believe in me, I don't hate anyone, I don't lie or cheat, I give credit where its due, I go miles out of my way to be helpful and nice, I try to never hurt anyone innocent, I also get angry very quickly, I am monogamous by conviction, I have zero tolerance for emotional blackmail, injustice and foolishness, I have an ego the size of a small planet, I can sink to any level my opponent sinks just to win a battle...

But on the whole, I am a good person. I am as good as it gets. Oh yeah baby, I said it! I am on the side of the angels, although, as Alistair MacLean said, I don't see the angels being too thrilled about it. I have no use for false modesty or oblique self-congratulation. I have no time for needy. I know who I am and its as simple as that.

Often in my past, I have chosen logic over instinct, and just as often, I have regretted it. But now slowly I am beginning to trust my instincts more often, if not blindly, and more importantly, I have stopped questioning them. With time, I have also stopped with explanations to everyone. My life is really nobody else's business, and from now on, it stays that way.

Right now I believe my slate is clean. I believe I have paid dearly for the sins of my ancestors. I haven't enjoyed it, but I have no gripe with the world or its citizens for what they owe me nor do I feel persecuted or "why me" or whatever. After all, it had to be somebody. Why not me? However as of this day, I am free. Today I am a fully grown adult, a female of the species, and I love it. From now on, I start writing out my own karma for future generations, if ever any. I intend any legacy I leave for the future to be either happy or non-existant.