gutterball1

 

the fever is making me delirious, I want to run through a park and understand life in between, I want to do all my life work in a day, and rest forever, not dead no, just alive eat and sleep, vegetable style, I want to call out all the passive aggressive morons I know and stand them in a single line together and explain the value of a human being, and the meaning of freedom and love in three quick sentences before dismissing them from my life altogether, without permission to ever return. I don't ever want to hear the word "convenient" again. I want to stop all the noises that people make and fill the world with a grim silence until I am ready to listen again, I want to turn off the news and the outside world that only want more things, never have anything to give, never anything I want, I want to want things like normal people, I want to cry when im ignored, yell when Im insulted and leave when any respect for me has left, I want to turn my futility around in ten minutes, I want to change my clothes, wash my hair and cook a good meal, I want to finish my giant mountain of ignored work and exorcise the phlegm thats taking over my life, I want to grow like a banshee, and die like a banshee, screaming wispy and sorrowful instead of putting all the energy I no longer have into being happy, loving and light hearted. Which, strangely enough, the world assumes is damn easy to achieve in this cold ungrateful life filled with unhappy self-seeking figureheads who will cheerfully exchange living people for pieces of paper, and call it a great bargain, who will build complex mausoleums quicker than the time it takes to shower a little love, life and compassion, who have ten minutes in their day to think about something, anything, other than themselves. I want to be less bitter less angry less negative today which is impossible without tylenol and possibly tequila, I want to sew my mouth shut and sit in a dark corner until I am sure I will not talk and pour out all the anger I have in a flood of molten lava that will burn everything in its path, that will burn me too, but once the volcano erupts, I cannot stop it. I want to be somebody else this month, I want to spend my time easily, and without stress, in quick fixes for pain, like crying and manipulating and indulging in mind numbing spectator sports like sitcoms gossip movies and drama, just so I can avoid looking at the purpose of my life and feeling helpless about it, feeling sick and tired and exceedingly irritable, and just too goddamn weak to care. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself RIGHT NOW.

 

**This too is a stream of consciousness writing, almost unedited, like the vastly prettier Mood Capsule, this one is disguised as a world class hissy, but its actually very deep :(