Tuesday, July 06, 2010

the trailing edge of a curse

which ran jagged and long and endless and had its claws dug deep into my forearm, that waited for me to give up. I have no idea what I was doing that I was supposed to stop, how on earth do I explain I am the same drunk or sober, I am the same here or gone, how on earth do you reason with a fever? speak to it in a language of humanity, say I am not going to succumb, because I am simply not weak enough. how do I gently unfurl the claws dug so deep in my forearm one by one, careful not to break the nails, and ask it to leave?

how can I possibly explain that I have already had a grand monster come and gouge its greedy hands directly into my heart, drag it far beyond my reach, just to see if it'll bounce back? it did. and after surviving that, how do I find scratches on my arms anything but amusing, how do I take shivers and constant irritation seriously? how do I waste time or money on elaborate defenses when I know they are all fucking cellophane? which way lies the great scary beast that will teach me lifes "serious" lessons, the ones that can make or break a few bones?

where do I sit for a nice view of the horrors of straying from correctness and manners? which place has the right rules for me to understand the enormity of my daily mistakes, to make me repent jaywalking and living exactly as I please? where are the scissors with which I can cut the right shape of my personality to suit random expectations?

tell me how to understand the rules of life explained to me from any place other than my own partially paralyzed heart? which rulebook can you hope to throw at me and make a dent? how many minutes of my life do you imagine I can waste on any demand without respect, or any exchange without value? how many wrongs do you think I will forgive or remember?

why will I not self-destruct every day when I have already aged beyond my complete lifespan? I really don't understand what you hope to take away from me when I have lost everything and lived. I chose all my fates, and will continue to do so as long as there is breath in my body. its really not up to you, have the sense to leave me alone,