Marriage

Tarun paced angrily on the porch. Paused once or twice to glare at his cellphone. It glared back. He tried Nakti again. No reply. Where WAS the fool woman? He cursed a little more.

Kooky, their German Shepherd, woofed appreciatively. Tarun stopped, directing a look of unrestrained ferocity at her. She subsided meekly, suddenly wary of this large useless creature that fed her for no particular reason. She whined apologetically and slunk away.

Kooky wasn’t too worried about Nakti. Her shrewd canine senses told her Nakti had just forgotten to turn up the volume of her phone, YET again. But now wasn’t the time to clue Tarun in. She might forfeit a midnight snack in the mission.

Nakti paid the cab, dropped her purse, dropped her umbrella while picking up her purse, and drenched herself while picking up the umbrella, heard the cellphone for the first time, scrabbled desperately in her handbag for it, didn’t find it and arrived home elegantly with a singing handbag, a muddy umbrella, a dripping purse and mascara streaking down her face.

This was actually a blessing in disguise. Tarun, mad for so long, was about to pounce, when the sight of her melted his heart. He asked tenderly “What happened dearie?”

Kooky sniffed delicately. Men! Nakti stared at him quizzically “Happened? Whaddya mean happened? I had a blazing day… I’m still blazing actually, need to dry off so that the embers can start blazing again”

Tarun’s temper began to blaze. “I get it! Blazing! Where the BLAZES were you? Why can’t you answer your BLAZING phone? I was worried sick about you!”

Nakti snorted. “I can’t imagine why. I am far more capable of taking care of myself than you are, Mister I-Have-Testosterone-So-I’ll-Drive-Without-Lessons”

“That was ONCE, TEN YEARS ago! Will you stop using that as an example once every three days?” Tarun was shouting

Nakti smiled. “Why?”

Tarun was momentarily speechless. “What do you mean why?” he ventured uncertainly “Because it was a long time ago, that’s why!”

“So?” Nakti had her hands on her hips and was glinting dangerously

Tarun became resigned. “So I’m thirty-five now, I drive beautifully and if you ever bring this up in front of my employees, I’ll feed you to Kooky”

Kooky coughed delicately. Not that she wanted to interrupt the fascinating conversation, but speaking of food…

She was ignored. Nakti was becoming thoughtful. Kooky winced. “Honey, what are you really mad about?”

Tarun got purple – “You didn’t answer the damn phone and its midnight!!”

Nakti was soothing and radiated patience “I know, I know, but that’s just an excuse. Now tell me, darling, what is REALLY bothering you?”

Tarun floundered helplessly for a while opening and shutting his mouth and then gave up – “Anyway, doesn’t matter. Lets just have dinner”

“Awww you cooked for me! You darling! And you haven’t eaten yet?” She gave him a hug and a kiss.

He thawed a bit and was feeling more kindly towards her when she headed for the bathe. “I’m hungry dammit!”

“Then eat darling!”

“ I wait and worry for hours, make dinner and go hungry and this is the thanks I get?” He was getting purple again.

“No dearie” she was puzzled “The kiss was the thanks you got. How can a bathe possibly be a Thank You? I don’t smell THAT much, you know!”

“WHY CAN WE NOT EAT NOW?”

“Because I want to have a bathe…If you made dinner expecting something in return, that wasn’t very Christian honey!”

“WE AREN’T CHRISTIAN”

“Details” she waved airily and disappeared.

Epics

The Male Epic – Abridged
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He was the chosen one (Chosen to save the world dammit, not for boy scouts). Everyone knew except him. He is always confused and in denial. He was irresistible to women. Two to three wham-bam-thankyou-ma’am scenarios with transparent attempts at making them sound meaningful.

Lots of bad guys to kill (Hero still confused, by the way, about his chosen status). Supervillain.

Supervillain wins every battle except the last. Gorgeous amazon women with huge assets chasing him. Detailed description of assets.

Hero acquiring an impressive list of bruises, fractures and intestine drippy complaints and carrying on heedless (I wish one of them would just fart a lot or get loose motion)

All female characters helpless, only interested in stripping and canoodling and acting tough (Of course, the hero is always there to do the real tough stuff)

Hero’s angst dealt with in detail even while massacring extras and banging random women.

Final Boss battle occupying two chapters with plenty of blood and gore (deeply regretted by the hero, by the way, all he wanted was peace and love to all mankind). No heroines here except for the purposes of

1. Getting captured and being saved
2. Getting involved in the beginning of the battle, being knocked unconscious and presumed dead, to supply hero with added angst at critical moments.
3. Staying supportive at safe distances and cheerleading

Hero killed boss (or made him, disappear/disperse/fall into void, in which case Entrez Sequel). World safe.

The Female Epic – Abridged
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Troubled heroine. Gorgeous and ultra brainy although utterly unaware of it. Unable to understand why all males flock around her.

Either big assets (again, completely unaware of herself, I cannot stress this enough) or perfect sized assets along with bashing of women with big assets.

Has had one or possibly two past encounters that left her shattered.
Choose
1. Husband cheated (or if husband is hero, she misunderstood his pure saintly

motives for being naked in bed with another woman)
2. Lover thought her inadequate
3. Failed marriage entirely due to cruel husband (or if husband is hero, faults on

both sides)

Hero TDH. Older, sophisticated, very rich. VERY VERY RICH. RICH. RICH. RICH. RICH. RICH. RICH.

Well built without being too beefy. Two pages to dwell on perfect build. Full thick wavy hair. NOT balding, even if fifty. Arrogant and masterful and ANNOYS the heroine no end, but some corner of her always submits.

Hero has had lot more women than heroine. Very experienced and awesome in bed and sought after by all women. Still falls inexplicably for the heroine.

Both deny it strenuously even while canoodling at every chance.

Detailed love scenes lasting pages with no emotion missed in the entire English language. Perfect fulfillment later, best they ever had. Always.

Trouble in paradise over ridiculously stupid reason (For eg. Burnt breakfast) displayed in detail through a microscope to look like Godzilla.

Chapters of how unhappy both are without each other growing thinner/paler/dark circles/ clothes become loose/ haunted look in eyes/ intense suffering/ lots of people commenting on unhappiness.

Reunite after finally realizing they cannot live without each other. Get married, red haze of bliss surrounds them. Sunset. Happily ever after.

Women's Lib

This one has been running in my head for quite a while now, but I never got the time to put it down till now… All right all right, so I’m choosing a deliberately controversial topic to generate sordid tabloidic interest. But in my defense, I don’t really care.

Let me come out here and say what many women have probably been thinking guiltily for quite a while…WOMEN’S LIB IS ONE BIG FAT RIP-OFF!! No offense to all the sisters who fought for this, but just LOOK at the implications.

While I sit here earning my honest bread and getting blood pressure, I’m thinking every minute… Why the hell can I not pout all day in red lingerie and wait for some sap to bring a diamond necklace along? I mean I have all the qualifications necessary to be a moll/housewife/trophy wife ? Why was I so foolish as to throw it all away to do WORK?

Look at the alternatives

1. Wife supporting the cause of Llamas in the Alaskan Zoo while husband slaves away to provide for her fur coat (Llama fur incidentally)

2. Wife taking care of home (nominally) and unlimited TV/Music/Reading/Internet

3. Mistress with a “look pretty” job description

4. Employee No 345 of the toothless Sultan’s harem

5. Girlfriend to Jock who wants to, no, INSISTS ON paying for everything

I tell you ladies, we’ve all been had; In fact I might go so far as to accuse some male of being at the bottom of this, only I doubt any had the foresight. Which is why I want to kick myself. We brought this on ourselves and there’s no wiggle room I can see.

No, wait, I have a theory. It’s the power trip. All humans are notoriously power hungry and equality gives women (the illusion of) some power. And we have millions of women here rushing like lemmings to an early grave chasing this mirage.

So we are reduced to a cheesy movie line – ‘With great power comes great responsibility” UGH. I don’t want great power at all, just a lazy irresponsible lifestyle. For heavens sakes, is that too much to ask??

There was an article a few days back saying women are losing more hair these days because of the pressure they are under (also the toxic hair-colouring, but lets ignore that for the sake of making a dubious point). This frightened me terribly because being bald puts a serious spoke in my dream of a red-lingeried existence (So does my husband’s reception of the idea, but I’ll wear him down eventually)

So its official now. I am against women’s lib in all its clauses that say I have to work. Or else I’m just shirking work. Whichever.