Friday, December 03, 2010

The rise and fall of a log cabin

That started with a forest of trees, wide and cool, solitary green, filled with growing things that rested, buzzed, whiffled in the wind, and fell. They all went to ground and tree in the darkness, asked only uninterrupted life, when man came, men came.

With centuries and centuries of evolution boiled down into jeans, slashed on purpose, giant chainsaws that could turn metal into mulch in under a minute, and a tractor. Big spiky wheels, and a noise to wake the dead. But there were no dead yet, so far it was just a dumb machine, with purpose and a little prescience.

It rolled onto the humming forest, that stood around, minding its own business, whistling tunelessly from time to time. Holding ground, repelling all visitors with smells, and growls.

The calm went and came again in under a day along with a neat after pile of stumps with single branches and leftover roots clinging grimly to the earth, their voices quieter than you can imagine possible, after the chainsaws and the tractors ceased.

The world watched, also quiet, it had birthed the trees, and the animals that clung to them, that lived inside them, and speck-man too, tiny and upright on the giant tractor he had made with his dreams

One squirrel chattered from the rubble that used to be its home, but that was all you heard. The tractor made the biggest sound and stilled everything else. There was peace, conquest complete.

But the story was not over, by any means. Like life, it hung suspended, somewhere between a moment and eternity.

More men came, there was a woman too, representative of something, no one sure what. They stripped the dead trees of all leaves, all branches, all the frills it held, so it may speak to the earth and sun and stars each day. Taking a tree apart, piece by piece, is a grand scene. Dead leaves and branches are littered all over the dying roots, piled and classified, tagged and carted away.

Twigs are neatly laid parallel to each other so they can start campfires someday. The logs, the tree trunks, they were the core of this life, that grew the most, fanned up years and years to make a rare stationary object, living, just in such profusion together, that no one could see the trees for the forest.

And the destroyers are so most usually a bunch of tiny bug sized warriors, their eyesight never strong enough for anything more than a few feet. So they go climbing on the shoulders of giants, making giants where there be none available and handy, just to be able to see. They understand one scale, one tune only. They cannot comprehend creation that is much greater than their own narrow vision

The stripped logs are sized correctly to look like clones of each other, neighbouring trees are seperated at death, and placed with identical dead strangers, split neatly in half and flowed down an artifical river where more machines start screaming into their open skins

Still, solid, stoic and still strong, the logs look the same, they just have no roots to feed them, draw no soil, and support no leaves. They looked at the sun from a slightly greater distance, and didnt know what the hell to do with it. Their memories were fading but the life that had trickled, and poured and gushed through them, was not so easily silenced.

It stayed congealed, waiting for release. Where there was a forest, complementary, dynamic, green and uncertain, growing and alive, stood a square footage of neat stumps, a small subset of crawling things still alive, scurrying around madly for a new home, certain inside their DNA, that the giant noisy monsters would return again to crush them.

They were too small to understand that the target wasn't them at all. Every specie in creation with a nervous system, thinks it was born with a bell and a bullseye on its back.

And the stumps were left behind alone, speck-man took the logs away in piles. Neat, precise, segmented, classified, the perfect disguise for the carnage preceding.

Another speck-man takes a hulking bunch of logs from the pile, in exchange for a few leaves, and drags them thousands of miles to be interred.

Where one life ends, another begins, has already begun. The logs are spliced and rowed, and stacked and cut and turned and glued, and painted, and buried under the earth, and stood upright and bent and stood still, sturdied.

This is the speck-man's attempt at making a tree that will never die, that he can live in. Except its already dead. His grand success in a life defying the elements. His attempt at being a squirrel, at reducing the sky to a lil cave, square and dead. And of course, the experiment is an enormous success, speck-man needed a speck-world to live in, so he razed the real world to make boxes the real world.

And speck-man, with the mind that ruled enormousness, on tiny supervised replicable scales, made more boxes, prolific in their growth, and his success heretofore. In matters of life and death he failed to understand that life does not bloom in containment. Like I said, he understands a single scale, destruction, as a means to an end.

But the sky remained, the sun shone, the world spun gently day after day.

And we're back to the log cabin at the end of the forest. The forest-now-log-cabin lived nicks and welts and rain and children. It lived anger, and pain and sorrow and unrestrained joy. It also lived summer and rain and sleet and wild wind.

Another speck-man had made it his own cave. This is a new speck-man, who had no part in the destruction that built his home, ignorance is convenient, if not absolution. He had just seen other speck-men, got what they had.

The edges of the cave slide open and a speck-man emerges with a giant plastic trash can. And the edges close into themselves until the next time.

The little decaying log pieces glued together and preserved, whose life became without their own choice, a species of delaying the inevitable more than glorying in today's vast sky, they started deriving manna and pride that they never let the sun, the wind, the rain through, They delighted in their strength, in the absence of other delight.

The undead have a fierce pleasure in their lack of pain, the vast endlessness of their lot. It is the inevitable result of taking away a spirit and holding the hole together with sticking plaster.

The woods, they now became life in two degrees, internal and external, where it used to be a whole world in leaps and bounds. In parallel. Its adjacent box too incubated growing speck-men.

The logs chattered excitedly when storms hit, the little splinters torn off them constantly, which made no difference at all to their existance, they never regenerated anyway.

The log cabin tried to stay unfeeling as time came and stayed, but it shed wood like tears, it really could feel no more, no better, its strength as much bound within its long life, as within its longer death. Termites crawled up into the comfortable holes and started eating the dead wood. The cabin rotted down, another speck-man painting over, polishing fortifying, and finally giving up.

It stood for a few more years, battered and scarred and dissolving into the eternity that just never came soon enough. And finally its last scrap was sold, into a roaring bonfire that a hundred speck-men danced around, in a glorious final funeral

Others in the series of metaphor stretching as an extreme sport - the warrior, the emperor's new clothes, the incomplete bridge, and fate

Saturday, November 06, 2010

For want of a Hooglas

 
All Sincadinna asked was - "Can you bring a Hooglas back from Serdifisten?"

And there were twenty expedai. They all had the same outfit on, ten feathers of ten colors, one for each sense, one for each limb. Each limb, accentuated by feather, was immobile, and each sense, accentuated by feather, was alert. Also immobile. These were living furniture, arranged to Voluptian perfection.

They were of course, stunned into immobility by the question, questions implied answers, and this one was a particularly dangerous one - it implied a yes-or-no.

But you can't say yes or no without considering ten thousand different variables and a few Vindanium birds, to make the bet exciting. What if they said yes and Gelsmahe exploded? What if they said no and Gelsmahe exploded? Paradox never worried the expedai as much as the step they would have to take towards it. Or towards anywhere for the matter, oh the horror!

And then one of them started talking, a reddish feather in the center of the group waggled up and down. Exp1 confirmed that such a decision was statistically impossible, there were too many variables and coefficients and black holes involved, and moreover, decisions like this were best left to the Serdifisten, they were the planetary containers of Hooglas and it depended on them if they would consider their exponents and coefficients in detail before releasing one to the expedai.

And moreagainover, if they did get lucky enough to release a Hooglas into the possession of the expedai of Gelsmahe, their gods may or may not let it be released from captivity to the King of the Worlds, and there was another inherent paradox there, another yes-no catastrophe that awaited,

Exp1 had to stop because his face had become dangerously green with words. Exp2, reddish feather right of Exp1, started waggling.

Even as Humtrifin prayed to all the gods of Gelsmahe that he had a different thing to say, ANY different thing, or at the very least, the courtesy to say "What he said" with a blue feathered finger pointing back at Exp1,

Exp2 confirmed that such a decision was potentially devastating to Gelsmahe and its precious cargo, and hence, an implied loss of eternal proportions to the entire world, and moreover, the Hooglas' had personalities, the Hooglas they chose might not leave Serdifisten, it might fall off on one of the bounces, and then the whole situation would of course have to be started again, perhaps even again, and moreagainover, its not easy to just get a Hooglas without a sacrifice, a ritual and a living limb.

Such a calamitous decision would probably mostly actually generally frequently require a task committee and ten thousand expedai, their lives dedicated to the cause, and how did each of the ten thousand FEEL about this dedication, and what if they did not all agree that a Hooglas from Serdifisten was emotionally correct or even generally accepted or culturally offensive or religiously sacred or rationally possible?

 

Saturday, October 23, 2010

mellow wish

 
dear god, if you exist,
I ask redemption,
let my end be blissful
my beginning, forgotten,
let all my labors, egos,
be mulch, my life, meaningless,
but for my love,
let it be all-consuming
inevitable, and true,
and consumed, and left alone,
let my heart never stand
still, in doubt
let me know,
in the deepest way possible
every human
who will make of me
a masterpiece, and leave
before I wake, and start crying
for more, let me be dead
before these tears
are louder than the heaven before
no matter how small,
give me the minute, when it
was perfect, is, will be
and I'll believe in you
I promise ...
 

Friday, October 15, 2010

mores, mutes, life and times

 
still life, picture painting,
smooth photo finish,
when the world turns,
a season comes,
and all we have are wishes

sunk into the vast sky,
hopes will be
dispersed like pollen
gathered like birds,
they make new life, listen

after the trees are cut
the buildings built
the living room moves,
the people in it,
are lit by fires
we cannot see, the roots

too big, the world outside,
watching the sun arc
trying to hide,
until the day,
is just right,
and the dusk, too dark

still and silent
inexplicable, says to me
as I rage, today,
is just right,
if you're looking
at the river for life,
if you're talking
with the sky for time,
if you dare
to take your life
up to your eyes
and watch it live
you may also, watch it die
 

Saturday, October 09, 2010

sleep

 
Last month I dragged my feet along a long corridor and saw what a blind man couldn't. When I tried to walk his shoes, my heart mended with envy. An hour of blindness only made me want more.

To take ten minutes to brush my teeth.

To understand the textures of my clothes, and be frustrated with how many I have, and how similar they feel. It no longer mattered how different they looked. They all had holes for the head and arms, they all covered whatever the world would demand be hidden, whatever, whyever, that battle I must stop fighting sometime. And when I was blind it made even less sense than usual.

When I finally opened my eyes, I wasn't as happy as I had imagined sight would be. Its just the same old world clouded and gray, infinitely demanding once its figured out I will pay. I want a little blindness, every day. Perhaps its just the novelty, still works. I won't struggle any more to darkness imprisoning me, I am chaos, I need a prison to understand.

to close your eyes
and take ten minutes
for nothing
is never ideal
in a job filled space
words, ideal career dream
called life

loss of freedom
its always a wolf
at the door, whine to howl,
one 'give up' away
one generation of shuteye

we don't stop counting
the ways to heaven
as we sit and wait
and meanwhile
someone else invented fate

 

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

strange kinda heaven

 
where there is so much laughter and no tears, no anger, no violent passions, or burning feet, its because, you're so amusing, always messing up, but never mind, she loves you, very much. all day long, all the time. and your favorite food is always empty, that place where your head likes to rest, always covered in junk, but she loves you, very much

if you shivered, froze, thats because honey, you don't love her enough, how can you be cold, in the warmth of endless love? and if you feel fear, whenever you tell her something you dearly wish, rest assured, its just your own guilt, she moves heaven and earth each minute for you, only you

when she turns away deaf, as you're talking, when she tells her friends you are someone no one cares about, but her, but her, when stars shine down upon your life, and ravens curse, upon her pristine wings,

when her veil of eternal sorrow cannot disguise the purity of her thoughts, and you are merely unwise beside, shoddy, awkward, rude and morose, her eyes shine with love and life, for you baby, just for you, wake up, wake up and smell the flowers and the smoke, paradise beckons in her smile, all you need is to open your eyes and believe

 

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

linger on

 
constant pieces of paper
fill my hands and crumple around me
some tears, some cold wet hands
I didn't see them come
I don't feel them leave
but when I turn around
they are real, white, more real
than you ever were
I exchanged them for you
and so, you are real
within an hour
its time again to clean
the wise man told me
to take the best part of you
make it mine
im trying, my corridors are long
my resistance a million ohm strong
with frequent demands and time
every reason I need
to never think of you again
I cannot, I keep
your memory, your corridors
so much deeper and darker
than mine, and you smiled
smiled, smiled
my mouth hurts
at the unsurpassed beauty
of life and death
the clear little bell of charm
yours, that didn't exist
its now mine
I can't say thank you yet
 

Sunday, October 03, 2010

dresden china

 
steel hands
nerve train fragile
deathless design
blue platelets
broken beautiful
my shaman of burning souls
my mood, surrender, hope
with a spritz
of the sea, a shock
of cold wind,
strong and sure
no rules, comments or chains
a spirit fey and fated
that walked unafraid with sin
played a tune
beyond mortal reach
and stilled a cry within
effortless lightning
delicate, precious and young
as I hammered at it
lost, alive and clear
as I searched underground
for power I didn't understand
until it crashed and burned
and I went stark blind
the skies did not talk
but the rain flood
poured and flayed
sunshine came tumbling
to loom and fade
and my wayward heart
and crazy will laughed
in delight, at power
and laid down arms, agreed
to believe in fate
 

Friday, October 01, 2010

duluth

 
somewhere inside my head there is a nerve without a home. it wanders around unhappily opening and shutting windows, staring at the carpet for hours. words won't register, my balance is worse than usual, I feel encumbered and woolly and unsolvable. there are corkscrews turning in my head, gleaming metal efficient, they produce nothing, they never stop turning. talking and listening and moving and touching and everything have moved away, I feel this planet slipping from between my toes. it will be interesting to see where it goes.

while my soul wanders, while the banked fires of rupture and ennui roil around my mind, while fever and fervor in equal parts join with aspirin and flood around each thought, restless and strong, the season changed outside my head.

on a single road sing trees of every color, rustling happily in time to wind and blinding in sunlight, fiery orange, yellow, purple and red, as they prepare for their leaves to die. its quite a poignant sight, a celebration of the inevitable, a glorious refusal to let life get them down, a stationary defiance to skies beyond their control, bursts of unexpected and marvellous songs in the middle of an ordinary time, ruthlessly disciplined to move in straight lines, but it dont make a damn bit of difference to magic, never has, never will.

my fever dissolves slowly. my fervor calms, murder leaves my heart, death is also a celebration, a big bang bow, blow kiss, goodbye. how can I not love change in a place that changes so often, a place that withers away so beautifully.

their outfits and colors all coordinated, they conspire under the ground, their roots tangling and exchanging secrets, how else do they know how to compare and contrast each others shade and song, find the same cycle to run through at different speeds, to touch each other and create a glorious panorama of differing colors and sparkles, all the same, all different, magic together, magic alone. there are a few ways to heaven on earth, and they are all reached by a single nerve, in love, unsure, lurching, falling, content, disconsolate

 

Saturday, September 18, 2010

bonfire night

 
open a fistful of coins
over the damp embers
of a nightmare
hold a mask to the smell
throw in notes and curses
throw in fuel, fire
a dance of fury pain
on hot coals
drain in blood
from wide open veins
dulled dark nerves
break little biscuits
bend big flowery tents
fling kindling
on and again
slice words in half
with a surgeons knife
and watch them all burn
to the very last drop
an appalling silence
song without mouth
is left hopeful
drained walks away
an idea whose time
has come,
put your foot down
and follow
 

Monday, September 06, 2010

world building

 
it has to burn down
a trail long after forever
it has to change
your very breath, and then some
it has to sear your soul
even when your eyes close
it has to be strong
stronger than a constant fist
hammering it closed
spinning it confusion
throwing it distance
it has to be courage
that returns each time to rest
in exactly the same place
damn the world
it has to be happy
simple and light
or make tears from rain
it has to be compassion
reaching around mountains
running towards the sea
it has to cradle
twisted minds and broken hearts
sliding slowly backwards
into a growing void
it has to be everything
all in, cards open
even as the gallows close
no fear allowed
beyond this point
something, maybe, pieces
plans, deals, collateral
careers, covens, caveats
hobbies, hunts, holidays
thrills, shows, shivers
other worlds
will just not do
 

Sunday, August 29, 2010

sandstorm

 
a cloud of shade
on a bright blue sky
perches on a rim
of metal, stone and potion
salt time and ocean
dissolves in swirls
in years of waves
forge a hammer
fill a sword
if you must
or wait, watch
as long as your heart
ebbs and flows
it crumbles to the beat
of tapping fingers
now and again
changes, sparkles to the sun
little crystal gold that burns
twist and turns
shifts like sawdust rain
feels blades and tears
it tilts when you add your hand
glides on wings
slips on rain
falls on gravity
weakens without a marksman
in a dark green mist of pine
nearby, far below away
dissolves with a linger
leaves with no sound
pours around
little perfect unbroken shells
some creature died protecting
collects in the sand
creates small havens
of even edged grainflakes
to be seized by the sea
returned some other day
on a whim
its a downpour of music
silence before, after
stays forever
 

Thursday, August 12, 2010

the poltergeist

 
he had an identity crisis. she was too transparent, often searching for a meaning. or even just a nice prop. it really needed a pastel wall to lean against, to bring some tasteful color into her essence. he wanted to be loud and brash and wander in the hallways,

she wanted to eat a sandwich. he ought to get a painting. who needs a painting in pastel more than a poltergeist I ask you? wordsworth? monet? it decided to go to an auction, she hissed along heated car engines and whiffled down the street ebbing away from passing cars, it sung songs out of each fire hydrant and he shot out like multiple genies from every lamp it saw, stifling a cry of disgust at the lack of proper fire to silhoutte her.

it whittled dangerously solid around a piece of discarded paper on the road, advertising, well what do you know, an auction! she ruffled the scrap into a garbage bin as a cat yowled at it her tail sticking out all spiky. poltergeists love cats, they are validation.

she had to find the place, numbers and street names do not an auction make. he whistled down a street, floated up another, number and street never matched, her memory was failing too. cmon, it was a POLTERGEIST, where would he keep a neuron?

her holes widened as a cyclist cut through carelessly, and it hissed behind quite certain the helmet led to the auction. sometimes these poltergeist instincks can be powerful and disturbingly arcane. the cyclist was drunk. who cycles drunk, isn't that an oxymoron? or a regular moron. the poltergeist could smell the spirit, haha. but the cyclist couldn't, haha.

a dog watched the poltergeist go sailing smiling with a dripping tongue. or was it the cyclist, dogs can be so damn cryptic. and the auction house appeared behind the dog, or was it always there. the poltergeist was big on existential dilemmas. she hopped off the cyclist's tyre where he had been making like smoke and making the world feel guilty and puzzled at the same time.

the big german shepherd cocked his right ear, but the poltergeist didnt make sounds, ether didn't run into things. the pooch who prided his ears felt an instant lowering of self-esteem and nose together, as the poltergeist swept past grandly to the entrance of the auction, piggybacking on a breeze that hoped to be a storm someday

as he entered the grand sweeping auction hall under the door, she realized it wasn't caspar the friendly as he had thought so far, but a far more sinister piece with less noises and visibility, and more sinisterhood. he felt a thousand eyes staring at her, before it realized they were all just people who had no control on their ocular nerves, they didnt really see anything.

it saw the auctioneer's table, such a fat man with oily antonio banderas hair, and no other signs. it searched, the latest bid was on a hat made of vegetable, capsicum, pastel yellow, that was perfect except it was a hat, it was decomposing, and it was edible, if you ate hats. the poltergeist decided against the hat, it was heavy and stuck out and didn't really frame her without poking into the middle of his ether with a carrot feather.

takes more than one indecisive poltergeist to disrupt a silent auction, no one felt the atmosphere change, the pressure shift, the gas erupt. no wait, that everyone noticed. the poltergeist rushed madly around the room protesting, wasnt me. could have been easily though, gas begets gas, as the old saying goes.

the poltergeist watched the pastels for the right one, to silhouette it. or perhaps just be her on days he didnt feel like being it. the suspense ...

Monday, August 09, 2010

spellcasting

 
there is often just one miracle
or two, if you break and reform
cut one swathe between
a hairs chance on
a long regular scene
cut another row down
memory lane without
a border or a history book
just make it happen
sans the pain
spear a third from matchstick fire
lighting a day that never comes
perfectly crossed on one and two
and it will appear
muted and strange and truer than never
somewhere else in a dream
open your eyes,
turn, forget and see
 

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Rules for healthy relationships

 
1. Be open. You are a nice ordinary human and so is everyone you meet.

2. Set your boundaries clearly and politely. This I will take, that I will not. Listen for the other person's boundaries too, and respect them.

3. Trust people to mean well by you. Everyone deserves a second and a third and an nth chance. Of course, your own boundaries must be clearly set to make this work.

4. Ask for what you want. Spell it out, we all have language now to fill in the gaps produced by head-scratching.

5. If you must refuse a request, give valid reasons and show respect. Ideally, speak the truth.

6. Accept a refusal graciously, it is our right as free people both to ask and to refuse.

7. Make eye contact and listen. Don't interrupt, don't play with your cellphone, laptop, don't ignore what anyone says to you.

8. Everyone has a right to their privacy. Respect it.

9. You cannot like everyone. Everyone cannot like you. Its ok.

10. No one agrees on everything. Most people have a predictable response to conflict - fight or flight or both. Find out which works best for you and work together on a system that can isolate each fight, resolve it and move forward, instead of provoking a nuclear chain reaction

11. Sometimes its very hard to understand another person's motivations. Don't minimize what someone says or does, just because it doesn't look like a big deal to you. In fact, don't minimize for any reason, no one just randomly does stuff.

12. Respect people, everyone is important, everyone has something to say and to show. Do not hurt or humiliate another human being as far as possible. No good ever comes of it.

13. Any relationship is only as strong as the unhappiest person on it. There are no magical fixes, it takes massive investments of time and work from both parties to heal a relationship in trouble. When the unhappiness becomes prolonged and unbearable, without a solution to work toward, have courage to let go and move on. Life is too short to waste.

14. Aim to increase your tolerance for people, its worth it.

15. Forgive yourself. There are no defined amounts of "shit" each of us must take before its time to move on. If its too much for you, its too much. No one else has the right to judge.
 

Monday, August 02, 2010

lost and confused

 
beacons should be bright
yours are
but go everywhere
blink on blink off
straight ahead, to one side
which way would you lead me
which way should I come
I would burn my own lights
up into the sky
if only it would help
for you to take me
down the straight line
that goes to the garden path
that leads the way
well trodden and dull
that bumps up against an old door
rosewood with a chain
I doubt excitement works
like a cushion to ease my pain
instead, if you asked me
to lead you down my chosen path
I'd switch on all my carnival lights
and meander
blink on blink off
how the hell do you work this thing
in a scared new world
with too many f/laws
much too much light
and nowhere to park
in the nights
 

Sunday, July 25, 2010

go baby, go go


Garbage - Cherry Lips

 

with a blessing and a curse
that both are too sweet
to make a voice or a need
go with a meaning, without
just take your purse and keys
and heart and little things
go have a wonderful new world
it exists and grows itself
believe!
buy into it
I cannot explain
I cannot give proof
I'd have to kill you first
I know
its tangle twine in a world
of agendas and races
but you cannot win
no one wins, just go
and make your loss
a grand beautiful thing
it will become, somehow
a win, you have to trust
the struggle within

Friday, July 23, 2010

raising kraken

 
will you live with a
kraken with its arms wrapped
around the furniture, floor
with its tentacles that creep in
louder stronger than before
so easy to slip down
knots and drown inside the puddle
that is all the creature needs
to slither inside your head
whispering, home sweet home

will you walk with it to
bright blue lights and turn
when it gets bored and just
presses down onto your neck
to guide you into bent alleys
to turn you into a messy wedge
of parts facing around
what used to be direction
with tentacles which used
to be your eyes long ago
stilling doubt, adopting
all the blanks in your soul
will you return

have you reasons to believe
that once a day once a night
a kraken can grow in the place
where you go to hide
just to lie down and breathe
slick out an arm and a leg
just to see
how soon you will succumb
to the idea of living without a
reason to find a place to hide
and the kraken will smile
with one arm

 

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

spinning

 
Each time I look back at my life, I get hypnotized. By all the great things I did, by all the terrible things I did, by all the angles of myself that are fascinating and complex and non-existent. and time sits by my side laughing so hard, tears rush down her eyes. I want to spin faster than time, I want to slow down so I can dissect exactly how I do it, so I can make it happen whenever I choose, instead of struggling to breaking point each time.

im warring with time here, the meaning of minutes that run away so quickly, more minutes watching steadily over me, the minutes leaving under crossfire, the minutes that become hours and days and years, growing giant and scary and loud, the minutes that become seconds and disappear, leaving no traces behind, perfect crimes that live on as punishment in my cursed memory. Time as I had always understood it, as I had been taught for years by an illusion of common agreement is being taken away and replaced with something black and hurt. not harmful, not helpful, just change, a battle without reason or light, with an outcome requiring intense faith, that used to be time for me.

I want time to be distraught, and decisive, or at least have the courtesy to be transparent. Instead of morphing constantly, leaving me uneasy and alone and ever unbalanced. Loneliness is usually my privilege but now im getting addicted, forgetting how my tongue works, forgetting smiles and recognition, forgetting regular courtesies, forgetting to wait, to touch, to go where im wanted, to leave when im asked, im getting slow. Simple movements are becoming projects, the roads are getting closer each day than my mind. The left side of my head hurts, my periods of drama grow further and further in my field of view, grow quicker to envelope me in full 3-d immersion of dispassionate fantasy.

And I know it will all get right once I figure out this new time. Once I have it mapped out in detail in my head, once I learn how to work it in a non-linear fashion, to empty every knowledge of time I was taught, and track this new creature step by step into submission. And I do see the potential, I see what cannot be imagined slowly descending into my field of vision if I only accepted it, without questioning, without judging, going against everything I stand for.

Thats the stumbling block, giving up all concepts of ID I have so far made my own, giving up all the holding I thought necessary, I did to pretend I was myself, and to accept with as much unravelling time as I can, that I will never be myself. Because my self only exists in the fully flawed perceptions of those who reflect light off me.

While its a comforting ID, a solid being with lots of excellent qualities, lots of hated features, lots of big worldly adult things, a job, a house, all the whatsitcalleds, it grows heavy. It gets cancerous at times, and foolish at others, it cannot even turn around without some telltale object or other falling off, its a big important person with goals and problems and meanings and gravity and I am just a transparent and temporary flitterbug. Spinning until I get dizzy and falling down to sleep for twenty years. Or was it just a minute...

 

Monday, July 19, 2010

riddle me this

 
care lives at the center of the puzzle, the maze that looks alike but is not. it builds fountains and views from gathered pocket change, it stays clean and calm and sure, it stays inside the center with a shell that cost a fortune. sleeps each night with a teddy bear and always has a hand to hold. the risk is lower, the gift all the time in the world. make of it what you will.

change lives at the edge, seedy and unsure and unrelenting, with cars peeling off paint, with fronts chipped and bleeding, but you can bet they run like any other wind, with an extra Heisenberg principle thrown in, the risk is higher, highway too close, the gift an alertness that cannot rush into closed eyes. make of it what you will.

if life were a fixed thimble of time, it will rationalize well, it will support regular swingset push and fall and push, but im not sure life bends unless we exert a terrific force cost half-a-thimble, well worth the price. take it from an addicted gambler, or take it from a builder, but take it before its time to go.

 

Thursday, July 15, 2010

fake and real

 
illusions only work in specific control sets where the atmosphere is exactly so saturated, there are x people around, only these angles have light, there are y walls around, there is only so much input allowed, the expected output is specifically defined. its a lot like an experiment, of which you already know the outcome you want, and you set the stage to produce exactly that outcome. so a failed experiment in essence.

an experiment, by definition, should be unbiased to have any chance of achieving a useful output, to be able to point out as impartial a direction as it can.

illusions stimulate the imagination and have powerful feel-good factors, but no defined progress. they are addictive crack for the emotional world but have no measurable role in the physical world.

illusions are of course necessary, the physical world is a primitive dull thing with no personality whatsoever. it is allowed to exist only because there is no known way of getting rid of it.

in places of defined recurring physical features and rarely changing circumstances, people take refuge in the illusive world to add an increasingly necessary meaning to minute differences in daily life. it grows worlds that do not exist simply by having everyone agree it exists. like the emperors new clothes. a city is an excellent example.

in places where nature reigns, of hardships just to survive, where the environment is extreme and untamed. with constant physical demands, no time for tv, internet, no knowledge of alternate realities, illusions die.

along with them dies slowly, the acceptance of change that cannot be seen or felt, but exists in larger scales. life becomes an immediate event, no question about existance or its reason. the size of todays world makes this view regressive. in short, it has many major features of our evolutionary past.

our purpose is to strike a balance between the two, the physical and the illusory.

both worlds have only one factor that changes - our physical world. often we do not choose it, it chooses us. sometimes we are ideal for one kind of world or the other, our internal balance harmonizing with what the environment offers, balancing out reality and illusion evenly. other times there is a large scale imbalance that makes for a world composed purely of illusion or reality.

both imbalances drown out our sixth sense and make us behave like animals. if you have a waterfall roaring behind your ears all the time, decision making becomes madly impulsive, random and largely momentary, with repetitive long term consequences. left to our instincts, we all tend to move around in circles.

I don't agree either with the theory that we should be a product of our environments or that we should try to make our environments a product of us. our objective, with the responsibility of sentience, is to establish a working, mutually beneficial relationship with our environments without losing the uniqueness or the value we both contain as complex seperate entities. this is easier in physical worlds because nature helps us learn.

but in increasingly man made, heavily illusory worlds, symbiosis is a constant decision to be made and unmade and learned from. We should simply change environment if we are unable to harmonize. I have never understood the point or value of living constantly afraid or unhappy.

 

Friday, July 09, 2010

Tribute to a Thestral

 
To a man who bought me my first book. and then bought me a book every day and read to me until I could read to myself.

To a man who always returned from the market with at least one rotten vegetable, he never bought what was fresh, he only bought what he wanted

To a man who took ridiculous pride in even my smallest achievements, who taught me to take pride in even my smallest tasks

To a man who disapproved of all my decisions but only opposed the small ones

To a man so imperfect, he instilled in me a lasting contempt for perfection

To a man who taught me persistance with a glass of milk every night. He warmed it and brought it to my desk, sweetened. Long after I kept telling him I cannot digest milk and I hate sugar with it. He never argued and he never stopped. He figured he could fix all my problems if I would just drink my damn milk each night

To a man who could never be there for me because he was too busy breaking his own heart each time I broke mine.

To a man with a voice so sweet I cried whenever he sang

To a man who loved me so unconditionally he set all standards for love in my heart. who set up an invisible force field to protect me from illusions simply by showing me what real love meant

To a man who was so afraid that his madness was all he had to give to me

 

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

the trailing edge of a curse

 
which ran jagged and long and endless and had its claws dug deep into my forearm, that waited for me to give up. I have no idea what I was doing that I was supposed to stop, how on earth do I explain I am the same drunk or sober, I am the same here or gone, how on earth do you reason with a fever? speak to it in a language of humanity, say I am not going to succumb, because I am simply not weak enough. how do I gently unfurl the claws dug so deep in my forearm one by one, careful not to break the nails, and ask it to leave?

how can I possibly explain that I have already had a grand monster come and gouge its greedy hands directly into my heart, drag it far beyond my reach, just to see if it'll bounce back? it did. and after surviving that, how do I find scratches on my arms anything but amusing, how do I take shivers and constant irritation seriously? how do I waste time or money on elaborate defenses when I know they are all fucking cellophane? which way lies the great scary beast that will teach me lifes "serious" lessons, the ones that can make or break a few bones?

where do I sit for a nice view of the horrors of straying from correctness and manners? which place has the right rules for me to understand the enormity of my daily mistakes, to make me repent jaywalking and living exactly as I please? where are the scissors with which I can cut the right shape of my personality to suit random expectations?

tell me how to understand the rules of life explained to me from any place other than my own partially paralyzed heart? which rulebook can you hope to throw at me and make a dent? how many minutes of my life do you imagine I can waste on any demand without respect, or any exchange without value? how many wrongs do you think I will forgive or remember?

why will I not self-destruct every day when I have already aged beyond my complete lifespan? I really don't understand what you hope to take away from me when I have lost everything and lived. I chose all my fates, and will continue to do so as long as there is breath in my body. its really not up to you, have the sense to leave me alone,

 

Thursday, July 01, 2010

excuses, excuses

 
so tell me how far you'll walk, if you understand, it isn't you thats gonna save the world, its that long forgotten dream of yours, that came alive when you were asleep and said so plainly, this is what you were born for, this is who you must always try to be.

do you buy into the illusion of control, so ludicrous in a world of infinite possiblities. did you know, life goes on just fine when you're not around, the world will spin just the same, and the whole dire inferno they made to keep you waiting forever, was a damned lie, a lie of the damned, with streaming cloth lights for fire and an operatic tenor singing in a vise.

can you accept, believe, theres more than one truth. that they all don't really care, if you live or die, that they sold you a beautiful heaven, then hid the good parts and called it hell, hell sells, they made the sale for money, and they want you to sell. too. because they can only make one truth if they share, and they are afraid you may make many more truths if you don't become. them.

can you believe, we were all born you. that somewhere out there in the world is a black hole that cannot be seen, it shows a beautiful mirage, and sucks souls clean. they call it "normal". can you believe it survives with a zombie deal, one soul succumbs, and it brings the next, with promises and dreams. can you believe balance is everything, or must you run away, rush inside, be the next to scream.

will you ever admit you know, that dreams only die when you allow someone to kill them for you. do you know, that you too, are someone who has killed a dream, sometimes we are all a rotten people. will you forgive yourself, and whoever killed with you, accept humanity is no perfect race, but filled with great souls, all the same. do you believe all forgiveness begins with you.

will you escape, will you make it. will you keep your legs moving on and on, if you found out, its not really the journey, or the destination, or anything at all that matters, other than the buzz in your feet. will you feel complete. will you hold on to your heaven until they tire and leave. or will you stop, build a cloth fire, and sell, to the next soul in line, without a clue. what means freedom to you?

 

Sunday, June 27, 2010

milestone day

 
anxiety addiction elevation intoxication. homage. to luck. my luck, how weird it hits when I am dragging my feet around, snarling at the world for a little shut up and leave me alone, and suddenly, I am filled with benign hope. perhaps perhaps perhaps lifes not so bad at all, there are still many wonderful things left, beyond my current view, far beyond, but definitely in existance, hope burns bright. and my eyes are happy with the curve in my hips and the depth of my voice, and the wrinkles of age that grow steadily and all the excess fat I carry around, and the hair I don't have, and the dreams I still do.

What a stroke of luck that I can be a comfort to myself when I need it the most, are you listening, wayward body, winding soul, I sneaked one past you, Im actually doing something that's good for me. Im actually tasting freedom and feeling colors, and understanding the futility that marches around, making me protect this rotten soul, with layers and layers of healthy fluff.

When I don't care if I live or die, when the incredibly weakening hold of love can be forgotten or laid aside for just a moment, when I am no longer at the altar, funny how sacrifice and marriage happen at the same place inside so many heads. In other words, for language, Im ok. I was born without a spine, you hear? I was born to dissolve and I cannot be anything but a mollusc, albeit a rude one with spines. you see?

I have a memory that crosses over generations to bring back answers, then stops confused at noisy intersections. which way was I going again? Give me a cloister and a robe and a book of emptiness, and I will fill it with beautiful lines and whispered secrets that will make your head spin and your eyes blind. If you go in for that sorta thing. But whispers across centuries cannot be felt, realized, captured with noises, they are grown with goosebumps and smiles and utter silence, the kind only possible when a little death is mixed with life every day.

And of course, it is all fiction, it will all be fiction. I have a passing relationship with fact, recognized and discarded, conflicted and confused, I have a deeply embedded private gene that ain't gonna make a scene about my truths, ever. If I were to deal with fact, all I ever have to say to the whole wide world is sorry. And thank you.

 

Saturday, June 26, 2010

97457823

 
there are moving lanterns in the darkness, suspended and floating around, not swung by wind, just shifting in time and space, like moving perspectives. they share a connection, they share the same light at a respectful distance from each other. their glow blazes and dims as I turn around them,

they are here for their own purpose, they barely light my path. they are here to keep secrets alive for the time of each darkness before dawn. they lend strength and invisibility to the darkness around, but their beauty is their right of passage. they are all silent and deceptively lifeless. some are long, some wide and patterned, some faint inside intricate glass bulbs, some flickering without enough energy.

I can easily imagine an age when they were grown with oil and wicks and fire, with shades to contain their agitated reactions to every stray wind. they had no wires, their patterns could be arranged easily, so there was no need to design them, if you didnt like them here, just move them there. they went where the darkness was not enough to see.

now, they are electric, but their form remains, with an added stillness, illusory in the way it denies the constant movement underfoot to newer worlds. days are passing inevitably with flickers inherent in nature, stray winds, tides, shape-shifting trees, and animals always on the run. and I want to move around these lights to change them, to change myself, to blend with the darkness, to dance the dance of momentary immortality, anything, to avoid being hypnotized by their stillness, light must always move

 

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

gutterball1

 

the fever is making me delirious, I want to run through a park and understand life in between, I want to do all my life work in a day, and rest forever, not dead no, just alive eat and sleep, vegetable style, I want to call out all the passive aggressive morons I know and stand them in a single line together and explain the value of a human being, and the meaning of freedom and love in three quick sentences before dismissing them from my life altogether, without permission to ever return. I don't ever want to hear the word "convenient" again. I want to stop all the noises that people make and fill the world with a grim silence until I am ready to listen again, I want to turn off the news and the outside world that only want more things, never have anything to give, never anything I want, I want to want things like normal people, I want to cry when im ignored, yell when Im insulted and leave when any respect for me has left, I want to turn my futility around in ten minutes, I want to change my clothes, wash my hair and cook a good meal, I want to finish my giant mountain of ignored work and exorcise the phlegm thats taking over my life, I want to grow like a banshee, and die like a banshee, screaming wispy and sorrowful instead of putting all the energy I no longer have into being happy, loving and light hearted. Which, strangely enough, the world assumes is damn easy to achieve in this cold ungrateful life filled with unhappy self-seeking figureheads who will cheerfully exchange living people for pieces of paper, and call it a great bargain, who will build complex mausoleums quicker than the time it takes to shower a little love, life and compassion, who have ten minutes in their day to think about something, anything, other than themselves. I want to be less bitter less angry less negative today which is impossible without tylenol and possibly tequila, I want to sew my mouth shut and sit in a dark corner until I am sure I will not talk and pour out all the anger I have in a flood of molten lava that will burn everything in its path, that will burn me too, but once the volcano erupts, I cannot stop it. I want to be somebody else this month, I want to spend my time easily, and without stress, in quick fixes for pain, like crying and manipulating and indulging in mind numbing spectator sports like sitcoms gossip movies and drama, just so I can avoid looking at the purpose of my life and feeling helpless about it, feeling sick and tired and exceedingly irritable, and just too goddamn weak to care. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself RIGHT NOW.
 
**This too is a stream of consciousness writing, almost unedited, like the vastly prettier Mood Capsule, this one is disguised as a world class hissy, but its actually very deep :(

Saturday, June 19, 2010

somewhere between demand and supply

 
Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the conviction that, if you step on the stones just right, if you take just this path, then you won't have to die - Anne Lamott, Bird By Bird

Its in the remarkable nature of imperfection, the shedding of reservation, the peek behind curtains we drew with our invisible sketchpens. It can only be felt when you embrace without caution, never understood, explained or theorized. Like life. Its like trying to draw an amoeba, you can never really get it right. Or wrong.

And we have this gift, the magic of feeling beyond what can be seen. The magic of being in the presence of profound confusion, of never understanding, and yet feeling euphoria winding its way around our feet. The magic of happening, beyond what can be measured, what is right and what is left behind.

It gave birth when a drained listless voice lifted and a song, quiet and uncanny, but true, so true, wafted up in the breeze and was everything it said it was and everything it never had to be. And left behind a sudden sweetness that clung, that the ears returned to, that the soul opened and wondered with.

The touches, the little curly borders on the edge, embroidering around the corners, little hints and shades of new moments, and tenacious ends. They capture the spine and wilt our resistance.

They were all virtues, they were all vice, wicked and wonderful and non-committal. There are concrete desks of course, but they are just here for our survival they don't care for embellishment, or resonance. When voices creep up in tune, and the little sadnesses, the little habits we puny humans have, of making a carnage where a soft cry is enough, will remain, and it will be terrible, it will be glorious, it will be everything we imagined, if not in uniform, if not in ten second images.

It will be in a lifetime, in moments added and multiplied, shared and sought. It will be opened out in little portals as we turn left, then right, without any sense of the impending, with only the senses that move within our body. It will be impossible, confounding, lossy, with messy afterbirth everywhere, it will be remarkably ugly and incandescently beautiful together, it will need a complete lack of understanding, and a few billion smiles to make it, but make it, it will.

If there be just one way to understand the pain in my head, it would be time. Time has passed, and the pain has come. I don't blame time precisely, I attribute time. I don't see the betterment that comes with time, only the pain. Today. Tomorrow will be different of course, there will be more time.

This constant self-contradiction, self-censoring, semi-immersive euthanasia, I must leave myself for a while before I return, renewed and filled again with hope and childlike wonder, filled again with the magic that gave birth to my self, streaming from my fingertips to finish it.

I need time, to complete the time I had. I need peace, to stop the war inside my head. What i need, is time, and love.

 

Thursday, June 17, 2010

orange night

 
there is no hope tonight, only wind, insanely happy whistling wind. they made an orange night, to match the decor of hell. a night of obscene powers and a low constant music. they made a night of extraordinary beauty and gave it to me free, only I was looking for hope, and I couldn't set my own narrow life aside to see.

Until now, when the wind slapped across my hair, and moaned, of terror and heartbreak and sehnsucht. of loneliness and a steady chill. it was going the wrong way and it was too strong to be stopped. there is nobody but me around to talk to it to say, there is no right way, there are only ways.

Until now, there is another lonely guy in a corner watching the wind move around the clouds. watching my orange night. and I am so jealous at having my private show shared, I cannot see it from his corner. the wind rages on, useless puny humans with their petty grievances and their sordid lives.

I agree, orange is turning to brown, the blood is ebbing and drying. the wind is still talking, it hasnt found answers, only matchsticks that flow obediently along its path, and snap when it turns. I wish you were here with me, to enjoy this night, to hear my wind and feel my orange sky turn black. its a high deep wind, it will reach you, it will find you and bring you. And now I have my hope, go figure!
 

the last hunt

 
when we searched
for light, for the worlds
where only power lives
screaming glee with no harbor
lit by gasoline
with flaming sparks coiled
around life within the hour
for a present of eternity
no waits no needs
it seems so effortless
when you reach a hand outside
to singing
daylight in the dark
did you find it, were you there
wherever it stood, quite alone,
the secret, the truth,
the calling of integrity
to a moment where
only pure loneliness can be
hope with a choral ballast
look keep looking, did you see
it flutters and floats
the light at the end of the tunnel
and tell me did you also check,
across the bed, over the clothes
under the kitchen sink
find anything?
 

Sunday, June 13, 2010

language

 
I dunno when these words and their worlds became fantastic to me. I learnt english from its story books, from the english countryside and food and customs and clubs and games. From their loves and hatreds and the way they said they lived and the things they said they believed in. From the best color of their grass and the magnificence of their history and geography.

All of this doesn't exist outside books and stories for an outsider. They don't live in people we cannot see, they cant be heard from a voice across the atlantic asking for a credit card or from a news report of ten people killed in london.

English is my language of thought, of beauty and idealism. It is the language of my expression, it is the way my mind has trained to work.

I learnt bengali from the eyes of a child, from the love of my maashi, she stole from us, but she loved me anyway. I learnt it from the first impressions of a loud noisy city from object shapes and people all melded into one confusing mass of the senses, from my mother talking to the maid and her colleagues, from my father who did not speak it, who listened to people who spoke in bengali and talked back to them in hindi. For my childs mind, it seemed a perfectly reasonable exchange, what they knew for what he knew

Bengali is a tongue I have mostly forgotten. I wasn't a child for very long.

I learnt tamil as a child and then, as an adult. From my family, from the food I ate, the way I ate it, from the texture of clothes and rituals, by living among the people that speak it every day, the way they thought. The way their lips moved, the way their hopes burst into song, their labors on the roads, their screams, their games, their movies, their politics, the way they loved, the things they hated, their passions, their apathy. Tamil became my language of relating, of emotion, feeling and understanding

I learnt hindi from movies. They taught me the lingo, the words of suave street people, the poetry of lovemaking, the sounds of larger-than-life dramas and songs that a people use to entertain themselves. I learnt it from school. From its poetry and high brow literature, from what the language was proud of, from what it wanted to teach to newcomers.

I also learnt hindi from the first man I loved. I learnt it from the way he thought, what he held dear, from the double meanings and puns he made, from the relationships he had with his friends with the bridge of the language. He never spoke hindi to me, strangely enough, although I was reasonably competent.

Then I learned that I have other languages. The language of code. Java, Unix and SQL largely. They are perfectly valid languages in their own right. Beautiful languages too, they harbor no bullshit, no poetry, no pretenses. They are what they say they are and thats that.

I found early that I cannot read descriptions of applications, big fat diagrams with arrows colors and animated slides, excel sheets with rows and rows of information to be divined using arcane textbooks of pdf, scrolled through left right and tab by tab, magnified and described piece by piece with links, cross-referenced ad-nauseum and talked about so much.

I don't need them. Give me the code that is the heart of it, that does the work, that actually transforms the errata into channels, that siphons data into tubes, that makes a vast complex mental-mechanical machine and runs day and night without any need for interference and it appeals vastly more to me.

I can read a program faster than another humans interpretation of what it does. I have found out that very few people can see a piece of code and agree about what it does. Everyone has their own opinion, everyone focuses on one piece of logic they like, or don't like, they magnify it, belittle it, color it pink, wipe it plain, theres always an opinion associated with it.

I discovered that the only way to truly understand the function of a language, or a piece of code is to read it while it is performing that function. The ideal viewpoints of every language as expressed in their best face to the world, their art, their movies, their power point presentations, are usually beautiful, compelling, false mirages. It is not their beauty or their bias, but their reality, their ability to perform a necessary human function, that gives them power

 

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

haiku

 
they set three eyes on the ground
as they walked in the sky
in flew a grain of sand
~
wisdom gave birth
sometime after life finished
making love
~
we agreed dawn was cold
we donned our coats
before the sun agreed to shine
~
her small fists clutched
a bright tweety bird
smile, her eyes closed

 

Saturday, June 05, 2010

the nature of rest

 
I know now that the daily uphill battle exists, and it is inevitable. I resent it every dawn, still haven't learnt to enjoy it, still havent learnt to shed all the dead weight before I start the climb.

I cannot count the years it took to dawn. To understand that I must sweat and train and bleed every day, all my life, just for the privilege of being myself. To hold the lethargy that fear and life bring, close to my heart, and keep going.

Also inevitable is knowing that I will lose this lesson every night to my human nature. A gregarious seeker of crowds and common voices. their echoes bouncing inside my head will slip me back gently to the lowest common denominator, come sleep.

while I climb, while I lug around heavy corpses and vivid blow-by-blow memories, the hardest thing to find is rest, shed load, forget. or is it forgive?

some days, i'm bent over double by the weight, my back aches. and I wish within the bounds of promises and compass bearings, that the moon was just over here, beyond this water, inside this dream. so I can finally stop, sink to my knees and never get up again

which is when I found out that if there be one thing the world demands constantly of us, it is our nights. our supine forms at rest, all baggage shed. our sleep, our darkness. the world never understands our need for it, unless it is explained with unfocused divinity, mired in established rituals, and rigidly outlined in time.

my search for the nature of rest began with a singer, his song. he knew truth, saw it, sang it, and tried to show it, in a truly transparent attempt at redemption, for himself and his muse.

he showed me that whatever I wanted to see was already behind my closed eyes. just a matter of being able to close my eyes and search. he showed me in one of those rare moments when someone reveals their immortal soul, that there is no greater destruction than denying who we truly are.

he showed me that there is just one consequence of destruction. more destruction.
 

Saturday, May 22, 2010

secondary derivative < 0

 
hell and heaven sit by each other, their toes in the warm sunshine, their bench cold and clammy. fingers linked, heads bowed, as if in church, for a greater cause. they understand perfectly only one or the other will grow at a time, they will feed on each other, there will be stretching, breaking, blood and scars. they will feel every breath of the other with their ears so close by.

heaven's a taste, an intangible hint of cinnamon, that bites just before it leaves. a fleeting allowed awareness of ecstasy to keep us afloat. with an aftertaste to let us know hell exists nearby.

heaven is a voice so pure it turns into powder at a touch, into tears in a song. a delicate precious creature of vast imperfect delight and negligible time. that is swaddled in white noise, loud and bass, to make sure it doesn't get too loud. to protect it, to showcase it, to breed it.

hell is harder, it is an absence, it is a denial, it is seen only in the stretch of space around its contours. it is not, as we imagine, loud painful and hot, more plain cold and closed for view. more like heaven ought to be in all the rulebooks. its an easy mistake, we most of us can only see one of them, the one we choose to grow, and we all like to name things. its hard to understand how close they are to each other.

hell isn't a prescience of weather, it's the feature of a heart that cannot be explained. it's a strain of poison, plaintive and endless, that cannot be quietened without feeding on your voice. and cannot be quietened after your voice gives it new strength.

all it takes is one life to turn hell into heaven, or otherwise. we can fire it off quick, rocket launcher, covert analogy, quick, or we can drag it along fifty sixty years and try to have some fun with it. either way either side, we're here to choose. and of course, we can be fair, move our wrinkling hands back and forth, back and forth, and hope with our fingers crossed, we're living right, we're growing only one, the right one, we're growing both, we need both...

this hell, this heaven, this is life, there is no rulebook, there are no choices, except the ones we make.

sometimes when the day is cloudy and the signals crossed, we have a chance to hear beyond the white noise. and other times, we are meant to leave ourselves the hell alone, for heaven's sake

 

Thursday, May 20, 2010

open larynx night

 
The episodes are growing, my solitude is getting incurable. More and more days dawn when I don't want to be on the scene. Any scene. To keep human contact to a bare minimum. Day after day it multiplies, the social spackle, more global villages lined with duct tape, the masks, the lies, the fear, the growing growing numbness, like a giant cloud over the world. Maybe just over myself, what difference does it make? I am my world.

I hate the grinding bones, the necessity of cleaning up into something frighteningly presentable and adjusted, all the corners neatly tucked in, all the edges carefully filed away, blunt bleeding stumps of who I really am.

I hate all those price tags so loudly displayed, because of course, unless there is a price, how can we know the value of what we see? Until we are denied, how do we guess what the hell we want?

This is the digital age, and I need to get real, isn't it ironic? The world is fourteen to eighteen inches wide and tall, the logo on the jeans on the ass of some random male, attractive very, adjusted to fit my screen, sent by someone he doesn't know, sent by someone I don't know, THAT is what I feel. Sums up my day, mild lust for a well pixelated image, isn't that more than slightly pathetic?

Oh yes yes we are supposed to define reality by what happens to us and not the other way around, but hell, don't these bones and bodies rebel? marching in perfect coordination and responding as expected, to the correct stimulus. ugh. How are we not disgusted or even aware of our growing invisibility, how dim we aspire to become as souls on a mission?

And if I wanted to see in you, endless love for an intangible object, all I would do is raise a flag, draw a picture on it, nice and pleasing, teach you it was your beloved, and blow wind on it endlessly until my lungs collapsed. And I will be a martyr, having given my life for another. I will have made the ultimate sacrifice.

But, the intangible object, its me. The flag is me, the picture is me, I am your beloved, I want to be. And my lungs are never free, to spare that single moment, to open my mouth, and just say it. I'll do it, later, someday, right now I'm too busy
 

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

about a girl

 
who graced a time
I had the luck to be in
grew more beautiful each day
made my breath catch
every time I looked
who glowed from her marrow,
visible, clear and simple
in all our colliding confusing worlds,
needed no explanation beyond childlike wonder
made my eyes tear up
my heart lift inexplicably
sneak glances at the door
guess when our time was up

about a girl
who could not last forever
would barely last a moment
with no defense to poison
who I wanted to save
from the world
from herself

about a girl
descended from her chariot
shy and warm
just to see how sorrow lived,
opened her heart
gave her soul to all who asked,
never knew it was the most precious gift
of all

about a girl so priceless,
she sold for a mere pittance.
chained by the world,
so we could look every day,
feel glad she existed.

about a girl called hope
who wore sorrow like a good luck charm
died a little each day
for somebody else
anybody else
but herself

about a girl,
a prelude to something unimaginably vast,
who lived meanings
asked happiness
of a world that knew only fear
gave her sorrow instead
called it an honest mistake

about a girl so young
smiled without knowing
what havoc it caused,
so old,
forgave without question
the sins burned on her body
made oxygen and a garden
inside her prison cell
and I can no longer tell
which way is paradise
 

Thursday, May 13, 2010

up, up and away

 
Distance. To see ourselves as a whole, to see the street next to the blind alley. To turn around when a wall looms, and move faster, further. When child ran across the street, he didn't want to be hit by a bus. He only wanted to go across. In the distance, a big blue bus with a glass vignette grew. He lived but all their hearts started running a little faster, like his little legs. The driver, the passengers, his yelling mom, the shoplifter in the department store across, the homeless man forming a cliche on the street.

Tomorrow, lil boy will wear a leash, lest he run too far away too soon. The time for great distance is not yet here. Today lets pretend he just won't grow.

I saw you in the street, you came right up to me, I reached up, further and further till my toes hurt, and yet, I couldn't reach you. Then you bent over me and the darkness returned. And you were gone, like you never existed. I stood in the severe daylight thinking, was it all subreal, was it a trick of the light? How many tricks does light play in one lifetime, in one imagination?

I dreamed of you, that night, I didn't sleep, I couldn't see for all the restless darkness around. You were a woman, standing opposite me at a counter, one I could never cross, no matter how hard I tried. And I have no idea why. Why you were a woman, why you stood there, why I stood here, why I couldn't cross this perfectly ordinary polished wood, waist high table top seperating us.

And I was afraid, so afraid, that we were born to expand. Like balloons and corporations, to breathe more every day, and keep growing. To put distances between us and all we need. We used to think we need. We don't need.

Someday my dear, I'll wail for hours from across the galaxy and all you will hear is a faint, I miss you. Meanwhile, lets lift our weapons, walk back ten paces, and run away together. Meanwhile lets dig a hole underwater, slow down our existance and breathe loudly.

Meanwhile, lets spin the wheel a little faster so our destiny can race through. Lets solve that puzzle that echoes so many times before my voice reaches your mouth. Lets walk our hips a little closer and wait, until the wind blows away.

Our skins have already agreed to shed and slide away, if you would just make a little snuggle room for me on the couch. Just for now, lets hold two different hands together, before its time to grow again
 

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

new circles

 
Warning - This piece is a load of self-indulgent hooey interspersed with big words, getting older y'see

Always after meditation, the first thing I want to do is write. I get ideas, I connect with my animal inside. And it is usually chatty, if a little unpredictable and a lot uncivilized. So it scratches itself reflectively and says to me

I dislike profound art, gut-wrenching accounts of stark humanity. And no, it wasn't, as I had feared, a fear of stark humanity

I blink, it continues, biting off the head of a passerby

No, great art time and again reveals a certain shallowness of the darting human mind, and reveals my fear of how ephemeral our decisions are, and how capricious our decision making process is,

It swallows with a wide gulp and burps, I listen

As Bob Dylan sang, the answer my friend, is blowing in the wind. Makes me ridiculously afraid of asking any question at all. So in my typical retardation, I oppose ephemeral decision making with perpetual uncertainty, back and forth and back and forth, back and forth, until either bores me cynical

It rocks on its heels, almost falling forward at oncoming traffic, I steady it

But that isn't the end of it. The lil decisions inside our lil minds made with our fantastic reasonings, they get ... reused

My animal slurps up a big ball of cud and starts chewing, I look away

The umbrella for instance, for the head, for the skin, for the clothes, for the dog, for the guitar, for the twirling ballet dancer, for the rain, for a precaution, for a picture, for forgetting in buses and shops, for a dash of color, for folding, for unfurling, for shading a stolen kiss, for drying, and wetting, and drying again, for moving droplets of water around ...

It spaces out, I start moving
 

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

cowardry

 
From the age of 5 I have known deep within my bones that I was born to save someone. With age and the wisdom of others (be safe) I no longer know if it was one person or many, if I was to save their mind, body or soul. I knew then, now I can only think I've already failed, or I will definitely someday. I don't have the skills for anything but the safety of my worthless skin.

The girl today will haunt me, two kids, just following her, badgering her. I don't know if she liked it, I don't know, there is so much I don't know, mind boggling. If a man ever tried to block my path I would simply hit him and walk over him, or run away, never try to reason. Drunk ain't a good excuse, it ain't.

And one kid came up to me and told me, it was fine, they were drunk, it was her birthday, he was her best friend. And then she came halfway toward me and he went back to her and led her away, I didn't see any force. Why would she trust me anyway, a lone woman against two guys.

And here are my sorry excuses

1. I was just one person, what can I do
2. She didn't really need any help
3. They were just drunk
4. They were just flirting
5. The other guy was her best friend really, he would take care of her.
6. They were just arguing, there was no force
7. She chose her company, and she didn't call out for help
8. Its not my problem
9. Ah im overreacting, forget it!

I'm not fond of God illusions but I pray for her today, I pray with whatever I have that she is ok, because its an ugly world, on beautiful rainy nights, it is a very ugly world indeed.

Today is a very proud day for me. Mommy, I am safe.


 

Monday, May 03, 2010

shadow woman

 
materialized
when she fumbled for a catch
at every darkened door
strained to listen inside
for a distant song sung
by the river by moonlight
whose sorrow drowned the nights
slipped from her feet
flowed from her eyes
flew from her sadness
then waited for her, outside
danced with trees
with rivers with wolves
built oceans around her moat
shadow woman who cried
for a fortress
was answered by her tears

 

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Dear Destiny

 
I understand you have quite the kick, I feel my bones shatter as you speak. I understand you are using my tongue and my eyes to render me so unnaturally weak. I understand you are here to teach. I see you there morphing into my friend wearing the latest trends and smoking down my throat, until the fear and the pain come out shaking, crying, naked. I understand you, so well, my stomach has never felt worse, my brain never so open and lacerated, my heart never so broken into so many pieces, and I understand how well you have understood me, and where I need improvement, where renovation after complete ruin.

I understand your work, and your victory, which lies in my defeat. I understand I must capitulate if I am to be destroyed easier, I should bow my head and never speak. I understand every area where I lack, I see why I am such a worthless quack, and I lie waiting, to be well done, so you may finally turn me on my broken back, and display me to the world, expose my imperfect divinity

I understand finally the odds that are playing between me and my womb, fertile and waiting and alone. I understand my purpose, to stand against the wind, to know it wrong and unwise and unworthy, to know it useless and untried and untamed and completely self-sacrificial, to know it ruthless and waiting and impersonal and lonely, to know it well, to oppose it anyway, always and unwell.

I feel the knowledge that only helplessness can bring, I feel the hatred that only I can conceive, I feel the destruction in these years that I have lived, and the many more I plan to deceive, in the hope of an objective hazy, unknown and grim. I feel these wastes perennially soaking from my skin, I feel the little spark I make with fuel from so many many hours of frightening sin. I feel the enormity of the goodness I lack, like a cloud bearing rain, so close, so huge, I float through feeling nothing but the occasional tendril, of deathly cold, with a shiver and a chill, a shard and a thrill

I feel my mortality, and time, both huge and negligible in each battle. I feel each strength of mine that disarms and debilitates me, I feel the other side, without seeing a thing.

I feel unjust and cynical, lost and lyrical. I feel like music just before it stops, like a mountain of dust that I always carried, and always crossed, I feel a sneeze coming all the time

I want to understand you and I want to leave you. Never as much as now, do I feel how contentious we are, how much at odds with each other, how odd we sound when we fight. I want to believe you exist. Make a Ravana-Hydra effigy of you with ten heads, a fierce, undoubtful villainy, and burn you to the ground, once a year, ten times a day. I want always, to be somewhere else, sometime else, someone else

 
And finally, a footnote to self
To be engrossed by something outside ourselves is a powerful antidote for the rational mind, the mind that so frequently has its head up its own ass - seeing things in such a narrow and darkly narcissistic way that it presents a colo-rectal theology, offering hope to no one - Anne Lamott, in Bird by Bird
 

Monday, April 19, 2010

a chip off the old block

 
And I'm blocked. All symptoms present, the hopelessness, the frustration, the anger, the withdrawal, the whining, the self help books. Not fun when I want to write and I don't want to at the exact same time, like some cosmic joke with a smiley face and a sad face on either side of my tarot card

I feel uninspired, dull and pathetic. And untruthful, lazy, dishonest. My truths are the kind that are never presented with a witness present but now I want to sit out in the sunshine and market my wares, like some plastic dollar store mannequin. I want to sell out, and I have not a damn thing to sell.

So I plan a dramatic death. I will be eighty, or possibly seventy, based on whether I start smoking with stress or not. I will have off-white hair, same shade as a bedroom wall in the old Asian Paints ad.

I will wear a brown shawl with nice elephant-and-chariot embroidery and a fringe. Then I will trip over it and fall down the stairs. Wherever I am, there will be a staircase, after sixty, I will refuse to live in any house without a staircase. I will scream of course, up to down with artistic volume control, and break a few bones. It will be intensely painful, and I will be noble and very brave

Someone will come running, maybe a husband, maybe a kid, maybe a neighbor, maybe a dog or a cat. I will be lying there, very still, very dignified, moaning slightly with pain. Someone will ask if I am okay (or possibly bark or miaow). Then I will sit up and say very clearly "I have something to say to this world"

And then I will close my eyes, smile contentedly and die. That will be my revenge on the human race
 

Thursday, April 15, 2010

dragonchild

 
always dragons at the gate
usually two but for me, a village
rattling inside
a tin pot dictatorship
tourmaline candy, hard and blue
my self image myself
a shoulder bird
digging in settled
with a wince to say
not enough so loud,
be still be heard
can it not flitter off
with every wind that plays
my solution my price
works airbrush in hand
to riot the kinks out
grow the burnt pile down
from fire breathing monster
grand piano to curve scar
where strings used to play
to lemon squash courts
fast not too high
to eye iota with tears
then an atom misplaced
everywhere, everytime
a banked fire waits

 

Monday, April 12, 2010

the woman in the train

 
wasn't quite a woman yet,
dunno if she voted or drank,
too young to push a pram
and she was talking
into her phone
into the train
distracted me from my fears
thank you
looked around quick and wary
anyone watching ...
I obliged her reflection
with music in my head
figure thats okay fair
public place parallel time
didn't want her words anyway
words are my broken edge of impossible
after all else is lost
like footsteps down empty corridors
loud urgent multiplied jarred
I knew he was someone special
her face was tense
her eyes darting
some talk without their bodies knowing
what the hell they want to say
her body was honest angry raw afraid
to herself to the phone to the train
her breath quick and hard
for a while next song
and then she smiled
they'd made up it wasn't war anymore
the train pulled away
the call failed
her breath ran again
did he did he or was it an accident
her hand started rocking the pram
are there no accidents
or are they all
she dialed darted fretted
her smile answered, wasn't me
but it was me, I left her
I do so love a happy ending
 

Monday, April 05, 2010

pollution

 
the breaks in the violin that climb fret over fret to reach the top, they are haunting, they are shrill and bare, needy, not beautiful, no. but why beauty anyway, life is real, life is earnest, life is full and reflected on the broken fields of unrest, they want, they must, they need, they will, march pasts of detonated soldiers ticking along without a care. would you throw in bait into the mix or simply run away run away. when the sun rise shoots up expectantly into an unwary sky, dragging denatured spirits two feet alongside, hauled up, examined and found wanting in every way, but wanted, still wanted, what greater paradox than sunrise and sunset, with all those breaths in between, dispersed evenly on roads, houses, buildings, narcotics and tears. A breath of wind swirls it all up and flings them labors of love around, like poison into eternity, like painting black on black, if you believe in sunrise, you must watch it set every day until it is beaten out of you. some are smart enough to set quietly in a few evenings, some struggle uphill for years swinging from side to side, insensible to the autism that puddles around the arc, searching, foothill to foothold to fool's gold, its midday and getting oh so hot in here, maybe air conditioning is the answer to everything
 

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

marching bands and supposies

 
when the grand moment comes, will it be trite, with confetti flowers and cliche after cliche raining down on my awestruck face, as I look around for some skinny Pepsi models to tell me, darling, you made it, you're it, woo hoooo!

perhaps it will be beautiful and brilliant, with an alien landscape airbrushed with bursting colors and forms of impossible beauties, sweeping cities with outstanding originality of theme and towering musical scores

perhaps it will be so heartbreakingly ordinary that I will pick up a cup of tea and a book, and ignore it, as I move forward with my life sunken comfortably in my oasis

perhaps it will be a party of all the people I want beside me, plucked away from their whirlygig lives all around the world, laughing in my tiny abode and peeking into the refrigerator, going "ya ya thats awesome, is there something to eat?"

perhaps it will be poised on my last straw with weeping violins, as my life is about to disintegrate, my last hope sliced in two and fed to the cat next door, and I am waiting for one last kind word to pull me out of the brink of eternal self pity, when the jackpot hits

perhaps it will be a dream, a recurring dream, of a treasure hunt that ends well, a dream that comes true and takes my breath away, a dream to end all dreams

 

Sunday, March 28, 2010

sense and sensibility

 
some times have no barriers of sense, they blow up without kindling and the doppelgangers crouch quiet unquiet, reciting rules and regulating thought, freewheeling unrestrained morphing motion channeled back into the pool, its called recycling, sometime in history it was cycled, wasn't anyone watching?

where did we go with this formula, a spade for a spade, a rose is a rose, did we eat dinner off this thought, was pleasure foretold and felt rushing by it, did it shed as pupae, showing off golden naked skin, sloughing off like industrial disease, what was it the fatal attraction to malformed motive and misinformed histories, the stubborn blindness to what the eyes receive

I am an angry woman, that's the legacy of birth, but more mystified stymied, where is this face living from, where are these wheels turning from, why the random puppetry of breaths, impromptu theaters of caricatured dreams, has nothing difficult ever been simply asked and answered. don't tell me to go or stay, or sit or turn, just say what the hell you want and its a simple yes or no from there, why the stark terror anyway

this is a swinging illusion that lives just behind our blind sides, between mind and heart, feeding off both, denying both, this is a freedom from thought, freedom from action, suspended carefully in winged strings and shook trembling from four winds, I believe they call it life


 

Saturday, March 27, 2010

seeker seeker

 
Is it possible to love so much, with prayers and tears, a hopeless love for strangers, a bane for familiars. I wonder if any love other than the hopeless kind burns bright over any moment longer than a flap of butterflies and a whiff of marjoram, greed flows like a single tear lashing across the morning grass, slithers like a silver tongued snake within, magnificent from the sky, unseen, coiling a trail of deceit, but a verdict, in the verdant gold, from the sky, from the wind, from the morning creeping in faster than the snake, from the mourning creeping in faster than the wake, a verdict is so hard to reach when it has already been and left
 

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

I won't run away

 
you can line my arms with stones, fill my heart with pain, I will still look at the skyline, think how beautiful

you can show me reflections of one misery on another, call me an angel, the devil,
nothing, nobody, I will still smile with a stray tune that wafts across by mistake,

you can turn me upside down, tie me up shake my head, until all my blood falls away,
I will still listen to raindrops ebbing gently down my soul

you can burn my dreams, torch the circle of decadence around my skin, fill lies into every crevice of my conscious mind, I will still feed random pups because I can

you can blind me with what you think I should see, deaden my tongue with your words,
clean my touch of all innocence, I will still find hurt and rage and fight, inside my hollow shell

you can go away, I will still draw pictures of a curly haired prince-woman-man, fill them with colors that belong to me

 

Friday, March 19, 2010

incendium

 
what is this unease without a tongue trickling down like summer heat before a storm, waiting waiting, to break, and be appeased, waiting waiting, to grow and snake out long like a dragon tongue inside a cotton mouth, incendium, quick dry and final - finally

where did we go inside this city so looming, ducked into the first alley of leaves we saw and felt so proud, the steel shone all around. why did we meet when all I ever wanted from you was nothing, why did we change, to ask each other of food and knives, to chase around the sunlit roads as one shadow, searching for a single heaven

I'm running madly yet but I know, the sweat's different, I want, I want, I don't know what. so I rolled up the dragon into a neat blue carpet, I knitted baubles from each laugh, each misery, each betrayal, each loss, each step beyond my red torn elastic line that must not be crossed, and the studded slingshot became longer, longer, longer

there is a moaning wind tonight and it mocks me, even as I enjoy the sound, I hate how well I know this storm, hate the destruction it will leave behind, hate how mere mortal I am, living storm to storm, instead of sunrise to doom


 

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

amnesiac

 
I forget these walls exist, even when I'm not walking through them, I forget I'm a ghost sometimes. I forget all these systems I'm dependant on, life support leaves me so cold. I forget the objects in my rear view mirror, they are farther than they appear, I forget that a hundred green sparkly hats do not a revolution make, takes one

I forget how long revolutions are, should they not have been round? I only remember some nights when I slept, others blur into negatives, stiff and dark and transparent, I forget the right filters between light and darkness. I only remember moments that demanded both and froze forever. I forget what I must remember, what I want, what I'm doing, I forget flowers that wilt away

I forget the differences between making love to a man and making love to a room, I forget that I am not free, never was, always will be, I forget that I have a date with destiny, that my hand writes only what my mind does not recall. I forget that I'm ill, old, dying, sad, happy, angry, ecstatic, undaunted and very very mad. I forget that my mirror is lying as I speak, and if I lean over, it will start speaking with me

I forget this heaven is temporary as is the next, I forget if now is to be seized or ignored or written about or forgotten. I forget where all the rulebooks are kept, are they stored together or broken into Fraunhofer lines. I forget how much I know, how little I know, I only remember how little I mean

I forget the distance between dream and reality, how small it can be, how long it takes to cross, I forget how far I walked away, before my soul elected to reveal itself
 

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

white chalk outline

 
Of a man in two dimensions on a rough stone ground, did he sit in it because he saw it, lived it, or did they nudge until he was interred. He isn't dead. Yet. The circle of voices around, they are his direction, they feel his ground. But inside the white chalk outline, his the only sound. Should they have drawn after he had ceased?

But he has beautiful food and silks of the pagan gods inside, to soften the rough stone. It is no cage, just a few sketchy lines on the ground, why did he not move? There is conversation, to while the life away, a small price to pay. There is hope and shards of melting silence, the air around chalk is never still. There is motion, the earth below moves around and round.

There are answers here, never any unsettling questions. The chalk outline makes for certainty but the drawer did not wait for death inside. The outline is decided and the finale... a matter of time

Did he protest when the outline became a wall, why were his hands white with shale, why were the walls scored with helpless fingernails? There is still conversation warm and sweet, impeccable food and silken treats. The walls grow higher, he needs them now, to climb on, to see over. He'll escape any day now ...

 

Saturday, March 06, 2010

travel scrabble

 
Like the sounds of past generations with a variety of unpleasant alternatives, or wonderful, a primary path, also unpleasant, or wonderful, sharp, the search continues. Truth is worth searching for and tame, if understood at the first shot, at the first target. Deep within our bodies, where truth is made, like energy, and funnelled out and about into the world of endless impossibilities, a few shells curl and are tossed out into the ground to make a number. Proves we know exactly what we're doing, how and why. The big dam floods under the surface for no particular reason, or maybe it has no relationship with emergent truth. It is the construct of common sense over fever, proud and plastic. Pointless, you may see, build and break and build and change and break and build and break, but together they grow a truth so powerful, so loud angry and calm, like an abstract painting with whooshes of empty space, rainbows and roadkill in between, but the effect, the effect, is so happy