To the Gods of Spam

I was doing a cleaning up of my gmail account after an eon today and was suddenly struck by the number of spammers courting me. I’m not sure where they got hold of me from, but they are all unanimously certain I’m a guy. My biggest gripe is I don’t get any Wonderbra and Quick Slim spam, I get Viagra! WHY :(? I ask you…

The most prolific spammers are of course, the obscure copulators. "Look no further, sexual growth awaits you here" "Wanna be strong at bed?" "Did you know the big bang theory began with…" (I was too afraid to find out WHAT :() …

There are even philosophers among them - "Make your thing as big as life - theories of history, and in time, theories about finance, Soros anchoredfrom life than success in the investment world. Since he was no hedonist" … The secret of life is in here somewhere, dammit!! I am sure of it!

One spammer made me a covert offer about jazzing up my Anaconda… And I thought I had heard it all :D! I have an Anaconda someplace? Is it alive? Is it contagious? Can it play chess? These are some questions that spring to mind immediately

My involuntary conversion from a female of questionable veracity/delicacy to a male of questionable taste started due to a traumatic event in my childhood -circa 1985 – My parents (or possibly relatives) gave me a doll wearing blue pant shirt. This affixed the male stereotype in my mind and I was irreversibly scarred by it (The doll also had white skin and golden hair but somehow I never thought I was Caucasian. How DOES that work?)

Now with all these generous offers, I have been completely genderbrainwashed. Thank you Spam Lord, for showing me the light! Today, in the words of the great Napoleon, N am man.

Other popular spam categories include the self help enthusiast “Start a sadistic dictatorship for just $19.95! One concentration camp absolutely FREE. Join TODAY to change the world” “Are you depressed? Does your life go nowhere? Specially for you, here are the 10 most original ways to commit suicide for a rock-bottom price of $.01/solution. Sample videos and Obituaries included with loads of extras! Come today and turn your life around!”

Then there is the test your blah peddlars who help you get in touch with your inner soul… "Are you getting enough styrofoam in your noodles?" "Is your mustache itchy on weekends?" "What does your poop consistency say about your personality?"

My favorite type of spammer is the one who pretends to send me an email from my own mailbox. That's rather neat really, if you ask me. The enticement of reading my own poop is quite irresistible :). I would like to shake the hand of the guy who thought this one up. Pardon the stereotyping, but I will bet my toothbrush (hardly used) that the majority spammers are guys.

Anyway, I wondered what they are like, these spammers. I am going to bring out a whole series on Planet Spam, unless ssomebody sstops mee!

Which country do you think they may come from mostly (Dilbert urges me to suggest Albania) How much are they paid for their creative abilities? Do they also have a day job or is spamming fun as well as lucrative? Is spamming outsourced too? What would a spammers resume look like? Does spamming have a cult following? What about wives or girlfriends? Do they dare tell them what they do for a living? Are spammers cool? Or hot? Or Klingon?

There is one thing I love about spamming though. It's the ideal subterfuge. Today, in the information revolution, if I had to disguise some sensitive data, I shouldn't lock it up with an MD5 or SHA or whatever latest encryption goes on, I should bury it as an attachment in an email with title Viagra and a body with links to 5 helpful sites that have links to 5 other helpful sites that each have links to 5 other helpful sites…No one would touch that attachment with a ten foot barge pole (Or an Anaconda :) … You get the idea… Flood the ocean… Anyone after information would give up wading through all the data in all the emails and go watch some TV… I know I have…

Flitterbug in an inkwell

Life is like a bottomless well. The deeper you go, the darker it gets, more bitter it smells. The harder it gets, to swim back out. Out is where the sunlight and happiness lies. Where we are allowed to stay unless we choose to dive. Searching for the bottom of the lifewell. And when we find the bottom, we drown.

I am a flitterbug, easily distracted by bright things. So while I am all noble intent in finding the bottom of the lifewell, a hint of glitterdust crosses my gaze like a Snitch or a Speck and I go – Ooooo Shiinnyyy and I chase it madly out to the surface again.

I think perhaps this is what has kept me afloat in the poisonous lifewell that injects daily trauma and ennui relentlessly into uncaring homogenized billions. Bludgeoning each other in a desperate battle for space, love, hate, money, pleasure, or just by accident, waiting eagerly with wet blankets for a smile to peep out

That’s how I live cheerfully through the Rwandan genocide, the decimation of the Indian girl child, the unbearably boring candy fluff lives, of the haves and the high flies, the dramatic struggles of the have-nots, remorselessly advertised, dumbfuck economics and mindless wartimes, religious maniacs and egregious godguys, bombs, earthquakes, tsunamii, the underoriginals, the overpopulars, the infrareds and the ultraliberals, the designs of the Mata Haris and the propaganda of the Pseudo Normals, it runs on…

As I watch them swirling in the lifewell from the corner of my eye, my golden friend pulls me back to the surface with a mighty tug of the mind, and I’m back, to the peaceful surface lapping gently at my feet. I look down fearfully wondering when its my turn to go back there again…

The trouble with empathy

Empathy in large quantities is spontaneous self-destruct. Because, I feel the pain and fear and dull hopelessness of the young naked girl being thrown down a flight of stairs at the same time as the gloating perverse sexual pleasure of the monster performing the deed. Often at the same time. If I do not distance myself forcibly, I would be deranged in days. Maybe I am already.

The trouble with feeling someone else’s pain is that there is a sensation of being conjoined with them at some level. The pain, the pleasure, becomes too real to be imagined. It becomes more intense every time I feel it.

You, my dear friend, might be feeling heart break for the first time. For me, I have broken my heart every time I empathized with someone’s heartbreak. So their experiences meld with my own and now yours to produce a sympathy heartbreak in me that is sometimes more acute than yours. Of course, for me the empathy is temporary whereas your heartbreak is permanent. Doesn’t make it any easier for me.

I have come to realize that empathy is something that can be controlled with time and maturity, but I still suffer the aftershocks of someone else’s earthquakes months, years, after they happen. And I am cursed with an excellent memory. An emotional scar is not easily erased unless it can be forgotten. Its worse if its not your own scar. You suffer and you don’t know why, or how to stop it.

My auto defense mechanism is to distance myself from unhappy people, literature, art, and movies so as to take in as little destructive input as possible. Maybe someday I will be able to control my empathies enough to read and watch them without sinking clean into depression myself. But till then, I have to stay positive and this is how I deal with it.

Its not all bad of course. The pleasures, the exhilaration, the vicarious thrills, they too are mine without moving from my figurative armchair. A much bigger high than any drug can be. But my biggest fear is jumping off a high-rise building someday, hard wired into somebody else’s head and forgetting to pull the plug before I splat onto the sidewalk.

The Warrior

When we think of warriors, images spring to our minds, of men and women in ages gone past and present, with swords and shields, guns and grenades in hand, twisting and turning to the deathly music of steel and screams. They are proud and brave, are allowed no ties and carry no burdens. They are trained to fight and to kill.

Somehow the idea of a Ninja, sneaking in on noiseless feet, slitting a throat for servitude or revenge, does not invoke a warrior’s image. A warrior fights to the face, takes on endless enemies, and is not afraid of death. He fights for the fight, for the glory, sometimes, for the money. A warrior does not care if his side is right or wrong. He is loyal to his side, always, anyways, in every way. A warrior does not fight to win. He fights to kill…or die…

They are called the peace keepers of a land. There are times in a world when a warrior is needed, when any group of any land gains too much power. The “good” group or the “evil” group or even the “deadbeat” group.

When the peaceful are powerless against a force that has grown beyond its harness. Any force. Be it a political, economic, social or cultural force. The warrior steps in to restore the precarious balance of peace.

We fill the place of the warrior with men and women of superlative physical fitness and the alertest minds. The warrior does not need to be young, or fit or inordinately bright. He needs to be the most effective counter for the force that is gaining ground. A social menace must be fought with a healing warrior. A cultural menace with a scientific warrior. A scientific menace with a spiritual warrior. A political menace with a mental warrior. An economic menace with an emotional warrior. A physical menace with a physical warrior…

And yet as a civilization, we train our warriors with sub-machine ultimatums and stun guns to raze the populace to the ground as a solution for all evils.

Smoke and Mirrors

open your dreams and look inside
for a flash of smoke on a lonely night
a fleeting hope, a guiding insight
sometimes the same, from the other side
sometimes, just a place to hide

just an ordinary soul, in a paper hat crown
saving the world with a melancholy song
just a gilt French window, against your searching face
sparkling silver darkened, to a shadow effaced

don’t hold your hand out
no, dear heart, it isn’t me
you’re looking for,
its answers, the promised key
to life, the twisted mystery
it’s you, you want to see

Today

wild wonts on an iron will
still alive, still bleeding, still
a warcry for every windmill

shaking like a raindrop,
chanting for a sweepstake,
surging on a pain wave,

howling to the night sky
bars are in the mind's eye
blink, they rust, now I fly

hanging on a silk thread
down upon the endless
breaking out of bondage

climbing down a steep hill,
closer to the fountain,
away from the treadmill,

water on a weighbridge,
torsion for a temptress,
running all directions,

laughing like a madness,
peace without a fortress,
revelling in randomness,

my freedom is a love song,
fleeing in a rainstorm,
no sir, I will not conform

carried through by sunshine,
dreaming into starlight,
happy for a lifetime,
today

More about me

Well, I insist :D! Macadamia is responsible for this!

The rules say that you’ve to post five bits of information about you which you have never shared with your blog readers before. No "I plan..." or "I hope..." here - lets look at what has already happened.

1. I am very fussy about shoes – The ideal shoe must have the following qualifying criteria

a. It must be absolutely flat heeled (NO platform, plzkthx)
b. In winter, it must cover foot completely, in summer, it must have holes in front to let air in (poking winter shoe with holes is ok)
c. It must have a strap of some kind to secure it to the feet (like an airplane cargo hold)
d. It must be lightweight and comfortable, and have rubber soles so I can walk in absolute silence on any flooring
e. It must be black or brown. Design not a consideration.

2. When it comes to matters of the heart, I am very slow on the uptake.

“He’s looking at you”
“Who?”
“The guy over there”
“There are a billion guys over there” (Oh I exaggerate too)
“Only one fool enough to look at you!”
“Ah! I see the guy you mean”

And that’s that. You see, I have been at war with the gender for so long, I have no clue how to conduct peacetime negotiations. A friend once advised me that I would do well to tone down the scary, but hey, where’s the sport in that :D?

3. I can pick a subject, any subject, study it for two hours, and have an informed discussion with people who have worked on it for years, and fool them completely. In short, I am a mighty efficient word-weasel. But when it comes to subjects I really know my way around, I find it hard to talk about them with any degree of confidence. The curse of knowledge :(

4. My right foot has been run over by a car twice. Once an Ambassador, once a Santro. Didn’t feel a thing, both times

5. I used to read at the rate of five 400 page books a day. My first every book was Enid Blyton’s The Magic Faraway Tree at age 6.

I tag – all of you’ll who wanna play… Come join us…

Popfil

Human, worlds a cruel place
A magic mirage, a tandem race
A unique vital creature of space
A miracle, to guard, a spinning keepsake

Human, world's a little bleaker
Than our cradle of yesterday
Human, world is still the same
Just faster still, the merry-go-round
Further the still underground

Human there was an ugly face
An idol for sin, an evil parade,
That dealt in blood, scarred, defaced
To scare lil children, to mend their ways
But our evil is no single image
It flickers, it morphs eloquent every day

Human when you be a seeker
Of that which can never be found
After the shadows of the daily watch
Human see you both night and day
Under the veil, the ugly face,
Right and wrong, the right of way
Ain't one without the other, always

Still, Human, ask every minute of every day
Am I the solution, or am I the face
There's always time to learn and change
But Human, there's no time to waste

Insubstantial

Insubstantial

Like the moans of the wind, like the reasons for sin,
Just here and its gone, like a flickering song,

Insubstantial,

Like the marks on the wall, of a pain too close,
To the bone, to recall

Insubstantial,

Like the fear of defeat
Holding you back on a lingering leash

My first claim to superstardom...

... seems like my very own stalker :D :D ... WOOHOOOOOOOO

Folks, I found this website, erhm, by accident... Can anyone tell me precisely WOT one does in cases like these ?? I am amused and a little angry but not quite sure if this is a legal transgression or not:( ?? Any thoughts??

http://www.google.avnirani.net/
redirect/aboutmaddyshowsee.html

--- Update update

Ok peeps, I must regretfully announce this is just spyware and probably malware ... My heart is broken, but I will endeavor to continue :(( ... Dont click the link or click at your own risk... Just keeping this post on so dat someday in the future if this site turns out to be questionable, there is one more online vote against it...

Unin-ten-shuns - Holy Pun-ish-ment (Thats a Metapun :)

Tagged by Macadamia the Nut... Here we go...

10 Things I Miss In My Life Right Now:

Ideally I would fill this with people, there aren't many things per se, that I really miss, but things it say, so things it be ....

1. Work (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA...gotcha)
2. Rain
3. Raviraj Lending Library, T.Nagar - The place had a smell of some popular oodhuvatti(incense) and induces a broadside nostalgia attack wherever I smell it
4. Watermelon - This year, the season was barely there
5. A bicycle - I use to love cycling around for fun
6. A sombrero (Just an exotic touch there :D)
7. The masala chai of another office
8. A pet - we're skating on thing ice here
9. The beach - Irony acute, because I live in shouting distance of one
10.A swing

10 Things I Want To Achieve Within A Decade:

Ummm, WANT being the operative word presumably... If anyone remembers and holds me to them later, fi on you :(!!

1. Organize my photo gallery (YES, it'll take me 10 years)
2. Learn to drive a damn car (YES, this too)
3. Write 5 books (Per book - 1.5 years procrastination,0.2 years static determination, 0.2 years desperate brainstorming, 0.1 years actual work)
4. Learn Mexican cooking (Say CHEEEEEEESE)
5. Create a world (Dunno dontask)
6. Run a marathon (5k plzkthx)
7. Finish one oil painting - The last one I started was 1 year ago, I dabbed a bit of green paint (for tree), it has still not dried
8. Visit Egypt (Mackie, temme if ur going to Peru, I will piggyback on your wish :D)
9. Learn how to build an operating system (the geekbone)
10.Climb a rope

10 People I Hate:

I know you asked for 5 darling, but what can I say, I'm full of it :D...

1. People who follow the people in front (or possibly side) of them and don't have their own opinions
2. Those too scared of everything, and needing constant hand-holding and ego-massaging (Get over it kindly!)
3. Those who take advantage of others. The Default Users.
4. Those who can never admit a fault, and would rather pretend nothing happened than say "Sorry". These are also the kind who will use your apology against you as emotional blackmail
5. Those who get unbearably nosy under the slightest provocation and cannot be diverted in any polite manner
6. Those who have loyalties to suit every occasion and mostly themselves
7. Passive aggressors - Who dont come out and say what they mean directly but make a lot of random white noise near you, in the hope that you will figure it out.
8. Those who gather together in groups and whisper and point at another person. This is also the category of people who use language/caste/creed as a weapon against what they don't understand/what they fear.
9. Those who have suffered a lot in life and think it only fair to pass on the suffering to future generations
10. The handle-with-care types whose egos cannot survive an insult

Having said that, I am most of the above people (and then some :() most of the time, so well, it passes :))

I tag

Vibra
Navin
Veenapponavan
Madhu
Pearl
Kavitha
Meera
i-7
Shri Padwad

Do play if you wanna!!